A Single Woman's Journey To Motherhood


Location: Washington, United States

I began my TTC journey in January 2005. It finally worked with the 5th IUI and along came Eliana! I started trying for a second (T42) a little over a year later, and was thrilled to get pregnant on the second try this time. Jacob soon joined our family! Not sure if I am done at two, but come along for my journey in motherhood. If you stop by, please leave me a short note! I like to know when I have visitors. :)

Saturday, April 30, 2005

Enlisting your help...

OK. I have been plugging away at my midterm for about an hour and a half. I am now enlisting your help in finding these items in the following story:
a) two adverbials expressed by prepositional phrases (once I figure out what that means, I may be able to find them..LOL)
b)two different abstract nouns (I understand "abstract noun" but do not see any in this story..
c)a sentence with an adverb clause (Actually, I am sure I can do this one as soon as I review adverb clauses)
d)two verbs that are generally not used in the progressive aspect

Here is the story:

The Telephone Call

Camille was three years old. She lived in a small town in France with her mother and her father. Her father worked far away in the city, and her mother was a housewife.
One Saturday, when the whole family was at home, Camille’s mother suddenly fell on the floor. Her eyes were closed and she did not move. Camille’s father called the doctor on the telephone. The doctor came to help Camille’s mother, and in a few days she was well.
One day she fell down again. This time, Camille’s father, who was at work in the city, could not help. Camille was alone at home. She looked at her mother on the floor and she was afraid. She started to cry. Then she remembered what her father did last time when her mother was sick. Camille went to the telephone. She did the same thing her father did. She pushed some numbers on the telephone.
A man answered her call. His name was Claude Armand. He was an engineer. His office was in the city. He did not know Camille. At first, he did not understand her.
Camille said, “Mommy, Mommy!”
“Where is your mother?” asked Claude Armand.
“She is lying down,” said Camille. “She can’t get up.” Camille started to cry.
Claude Armand wanted to help Camille. He asked her where she lived.
“Near my grandma,” she answered. She was only three years old and had not learned her street or her town yet.
Claude Armand said to her, “Don’t put down the telephone. Talk to me some more. Tell me about your daddy. Where is he?”
He asked a lot of questions. While he was talking with Camille, a friend in his office called the telephone company. She told the person in the telephone company about Camille’s trouble. She said that they had to have the girl’s address. The telephone company told the police about the problem, and the police told the government in Paris. The government gave its approval to the police. The police said that the telephone company should give Claude Armand the address.
And all this time, Camille was talking with Claude Armand on the phone. She told him about her house and her family. She told him about her grandparents, her friends, and her little cat. They talked for 45 minutes!
Then the police were at Camille’s house with the doctor. They called to her and rang the doorbell. Camille said good-bye to Claude Armand and went to open the door. Now she was not alone anymore. Now her mother was okay.

Busy Weekend as always...

So, the lawn guy DID come...at 7:00pm. Thank God he didn't come about 30 minutes earlier as I took a nice long bath....
(For all you medical types out there, do you have any explanation/advice for me. Almost daily, I get so incredibly cold in the later afternoon/early evening. Nothing I do warms me up, I turn the heat up to 80 degrees and more and about 2-3 hours later I am finally warm and can turn the heat back down. A hot bath works sometimes too if I immerse my entire body (except my head) in the water for a good 30 minutes...My doctor never seems concerned, but then again I don't think she understands how incredibly cold I get....)

We agreed that he would come every two weeks for 32 dollars a visit....is that a good price? I hope so. In any case, I am happy that I don't have to bug my uncle/cousin to come up all the time nor do I have to do it myself. :)

After he left, I got to work on my piles of work for the weekend. I am a little worried that I worked so hard yesterday because generally I can only work really hard one day per weekend..LOL. :)

Anyway, here is what I got done yesterday:
For ESL class:
listened to lecture for next week's module
completed assignment 1
completed assignment 2
began assignment 3
For Professional Certification:
updated Student Learning Context Profile
Updated PCPP on technology use
Wrote post-professional certification professional development goals
Uploaded all the above assignments plus my professional contributions log

Holy cow...that was a lot of work!

For the rest of the weekend, I must:
do my ESL midterm
finish assignment 3
do the reading in the text for next week's module
fine tune first week of ESl internship unit plan
Upload assignments 1, 2, and 3 once the board is open for assignments
Work on more things for my professional certification (there are about another 13 things to do...obviously I can't do them all this weekend, but if I can get a good start on them...)

And finally, I must go make breakfast because I am starving. :)

By the way, the HPT this morning was stark white...but I am not giving up hope, it is still very early and I will use a FRER tomorrow morning I think.

Friday, April 29, 2005

Where is the good help?

LOL. I can't believe this. You may recall the whole housekeeper fiasco the day my parents were coming to visit...they never showed or returned my phone calls.

Now, yesterday I finally gave in and called a lawn service because I just hate mowing my lawn and just let it grow until someone takes pity on me (my uncle and cousin generally do...as they must have today even). They were supposed to come at 4:30 this afternoon to give me an estimate of biweekly mowing services....and.....they are not here....

What am I doing wrong??

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Big sigh of relief...

Last night's message:
Oh, crap. I just realized, at 9:45 pm, that I didn't send in my registration for my internship...you know the one, then one I was stressing over the unit plan for....CRAP. The deadline was April 15th. CRAP. Ugh...

Today's update:
Phew! Thankfully, I received an email back that said it was OK to fax in my forms tomorrow...thank goodness. However, I did kind of like my thoughts of just forgetting about the internship/endorsement....LOL

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Searches and referrers

You may have noticed that I added a blogpatrol ticker off to the side about a week ago. I always wondered how it was that other bloggers knew what search terms brought people to their webpage and was thrilled to finally figure it out. I have been watching with fascination the various search terms that have brought people in. Let me answer some of their questions LOL, and share some of the more bizarre search terms:

Two Bizarre Searches:
webcam for woman in bad to sea (excuse me?? LOL I don't even understand it, how did that bring someone here?)

katrina accordion (hehe you make ONE mention of an accordion and drunken stupors...)

Now for some of your "questions"
"how long for hcg trigger to leave your system" Well, according to my very scientific experiment that came to a close today, there was a very VERY faint positive still on the HPT yesterday (internet cheapies, but said to be very sensitive) and then today (5dpo) there was finally no line. So at 5dpo, the HCG amount is under 20...

"how to insert prometrium" Ah yes, the fun vaginal suppositories..LOL. If you have ever inserted an OB tampon, it is pretty much the same thing. You just guide it with your fingers...watch out, it is even messier inside than on your underwear. (you know, I can't believe I am saying this stuff....if you knew me, you would know that I embarass quite easily and am generally quite modest! LOL)

Finally, the question that made me want to write this post,
"does wash n curl work?"
Sadly, I must report to you that after looking EVERYWHERE for that shampoo for my mother this summer, finally finding it and buying her two bottles, I must confess to you that my mother says it does not work. Of course, she was expecting a miracle...but still, no luck. Sorry.

Edited to add, the latest search: "wonder woman's journey" LOL. Gee, I feel flattered. LOL

Monday, April 25, 2005

Wasn't so bad...

Sorry to keep you all waiting, LOL. :)

It wasn't so horrible.

I got to school a little earlier than normal, and spent the time marking papers until our meeting time at 6:50. I was so nervous and worried, I was making myself sick to my stomach (would be nice if I could say it was morning sickness, but I am 99% sure it was just my nerves).

It was about 6:47, so I gathered my stuff up to head up to her room. I got there, sat down, and immediately confessed that I didn't have a unit, that I felt copmletely stupid and incompetent because I couldn't figure it out. LOL. She was good about it. She looked at what I did bring (my brainstormed list of activities), shared with me some more ideas and told me to plan the first week and then we could re-evaluate.

Anyway, then the rest of my teaching day was fine...

After school, I headed into Seattle for an acupuncture appointment. My appointment went well, and it seems this is my last appointment until my next cycle...Then, I went down to get my car from the garage, get to the window and it is 4:14 (the meter that scans your tickets, shows the time as you drive up...). At 4:16, the cost for my parking goes up by another dollar. It seems like I was lucky, right? Wrong. The parking attendant is not there..and she doesn't get there until 4:19, scans my ticket and insists that I pay her the extra dollar...I was not impressed. I argued with her for a second, but there were four cars waiting behind me, and she kept insisting she was gone for "2 minutes", so I gave in, but was very unhappy...LOL.

Then traffic was bad and it took me an hour to get home. I was hungry, and I had a craving for KFC (that happens like once in 5-10 years! LOL), so I drove that way, and assumed there was an entrance from the main road, but as I drive by, it said "exit only", so I missed it and had to keep going and gave up and went home. LOL. In the end, I made a frozen dinner and it was good and likely much better for me anyway.

Well, that was my day.

Kenya, you asked about why the Prometrium. I have a luteal phase defect which means that my body does not produce enough progesterone on its own after ovulation, so I supplement with the prometrium vaginal suppositories. They are messy, but they definitely do the trick! My luteal phase has gone from 8 days to about 16!

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Freaking out...

It is 9:35 pm, Sunday night. Tomorrow morning at 6:50 am I am meeting with the teacher I will do my ESL internship with...to go over my unit plan. Problem? There is no unit plan...holy cow!! Total freak out...I feel sick to my stomach. ACK!

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Need your creative ideas

I am trying to put together the unit plan for the 3 week internship I have to do for my ESL certification. There are so many obstacles though. There is no curriculum. By that I mean that there are no set standards for what things they need to learn. The teacher I will work with and I decided I would do a unit on transportation. There is no textbook, this means that I have to make EVERYTHING up myself. I don't know the class at all which means it is really hard to envision what they can do (this is a level 1 beginner class...)

So, I am panicing. (is there a k in that? I think maybe there is...panicking I don't know..neither look right). I was actually supposed to have created this during spring break, but I lazed around and didn't do that, and now my meeting with the teacher (who I really don't get along with very well..but of our four ESL teachers she is the only one teaching ESL during that period...one other teacher is teaching but it was ESL biology...) is Monday morning at 6:50.

If you have any creative ideas of things we can do...especially fun writing activities, very structured like for a grade 1 or 2 class, or craft activities, please PLEASE let me know. Thanks!:) Please keep in mind that although these students language levels are very low, they are teenagers...

For those of you waiting on pins and needles during my 2ww, all is well so far, temp rose significantly this morning...I think O was late in the afternoon, possibly evening on cd15, perfect timing. :)

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Eventful as always...and now we wait.

Well, I had my third IUI today.

I had an acupuncture appointment immediately before (at the clinic). My appointment was at 2:30 which meant I had to leave school IMMEDIATELY after school ended (and got to miss a staff meeting!). I parked the car at exactly 2:30 and when I walked into the office, the acupuncturist was waiting for me, but said I wasn't late...

After my acupuncture, I stayed in the same room and one of the nurses came in for my IUI. She told me my sperm sample was excellent, such a relief after last month (different donor). She tried to insert the long speculum twice, changed to a longer (and skinnier) speculum, but still was unable to reach my cervix, or at least get it where she wanted it. She did comment that I had lots of cervical mucous which was very reassuring because I was worried with the big follicle, that it might ovulate too early.

After trying for about 10 minutes, she said she would get a doctor...and at first she said....DR PAIN!!!! ACK! I didn't freak, just said, "is there anyone else? Dr. S. was great, no pain at all." I also told her that the last time he had commented that if I were not pregnant, he would likely be doing my IUIs in the future.. So, she went and got Dr. S. out of a board meeting! LOL. A quick manual check of my cervix and then poof the speculum is in and, once again, I barely feel it. I have never said more than maybe ten words to this guy (different words..I have said thank you a gazillion times since he can do it so painlessly), but he is my godsend. LOL. :) He may not want to come back however...LOL...I KICKED him, LOL. I was tired of the damn stirrups and started moving my legs back to the table before he had gotten out of there! LOL.

Will I ever have an uneventful IUI? LOL. I feel very positive about this cycle....hope this is the one!:)

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

IUI tomorrow

I had my cd14 ultrasound today.

Because of WASL (state testing), our schedule at school is all screwy and so today first period (my planning period) was actually in the last slot of the day and I thought I would leave just a little early so as not to worry about traffic for a 2:45 appointment. So, I got in my car at 1:55, and I couldn't get out because the buses were blocking the exit! LOL. I ended up getting out of there around 2:10 but still made it on time. Arrived at the clinic around 2:35, and by 2:41 I was sitting in the ultrasound room. I marveled at what good timing I seemed to have...

I got tired, and lay down. Once or twice I thought I heard my door open, so popped up, but no go. Finally at 3:37, I got dressed and went back out to the nurses station. I think I got forgotten! LOL.

Anyway, they apologized and by 3:45, the next available doctor, Dr. K. came in to do my ultrasound. My lining was great she said at 10.7 and the triple layers that they like to see. 20 or so small follicles (this is the first time anyone has actually counted how many little follicles I get...its because of the PCOS) on the right ovary..nothing new there. BUT, then she looked on the left, and a whopping 26 (or was it 27?) mm follicle ripe for popping! LOL. She said she expected me to ovulate very soon. Since I had not had a positive OPK that afternoon (or anytime this cycle for that matter), I got an HCG trigger shot and scheduled my IUI for tomorrow at 3:15.

When I got home, I realized I also needed to schedule my acupuncture appointment so that is at 2:30. I have to figure out whether to take off half a day, find someone to cover my last class, or just pray I get there on time...I will probably do the last one...

LOL. Anyway, think good thoughts for me tomorrow...I am off to Bible study!:)

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

I am in love!

LOL. OK, so it isn't really love..but I am so very happy with this new church and I am just kicking myself wondering why I didn't check it out sooner, especially since it was the church I had originally intended to go to when I moved here! LOL

Today I got more email replies from both the lady at the church office as well as the singles group leader(I emailed them back yesterday), a phone call from one of the pastors, and a packet of info in the mail. I had most of the packet info already from Sunday, but they also gave me a free espresso coupon LOL. All the churches I have been to out here have an espresso stand IN THE CHURCH LOL, isnt that just the funniest thing ever??

Anyway, I am meeting one of these women tomorrow before the women's bible study. Actually, I wasn't sure whether I should go to the women's bible study or the one that the pastor had invited me to about "principles of the church" or something like that...I figured I would be more comfortable at the womens thing, especially since I think maybe the pastor's thing is for new Christians...which I am not, just new to this church. I also need to decide which small groups to join...there are so many that were suggested to me...the singles group, the quilting group (which may meet weekdays so that may be out), the international group, the walking group...LOL

Of course, I really SHOULD join the walking group, and maybe I will...but not right away. I emailed the singles group leader back telling her I would like to come to their meeting this Sunday night. I didn't find her nearly as warm as the church lady...

Anyway, I may soon go from completely unnoticed in a church to TOO involved. LOL. :)

Monday, April 18, 2005

BCA update

What a breath of fresh air!

So, yesterday, I filled out the communication card and dropped it in the offering plate. Then in the evening, I emailed two of the small groups, a Singles small group and a Quilting small group.

Then, this morning, someone called me from the church! Of course, I was at work, so she left a long message about the different bible studies and stuff. Her message got cut off, so she then emailed me as well.

That is not the end of it. One of the small groups ladies emailed me back as well about the Singles small group that meets once a month. (I haven't heard from the Quilting group).

So, I am very happy with this church so far. As for my old church, NCC, well, you may recall that I called them on Friday afternoon (around 2ish) and received a voicemail. I left a message and noone has called back...still.

Now, I just need to be brave enough to show up at some of these things...I am seriously considering going to the women's bible study this Wed.

Sunday, April 17, 2005


Well, I did it. I went to BCA this morning. When I first moved to my city, I had actually found BCA on the net and was going to try this church. However, one day while I was unpacking stuff from my car (the movers had just come on Friday, and I was still moving stuff from my apartment to my house), a neighbour stopped by to welcome me. (granted, I have NEVER seen her again...). It was a Sunday and she was coming home from church. We talked about churches and that I was looking for a new church in my area, particularly one that had a Singles group. She was divorced and told me about NCC. I attended there until this morning.

So, I drove up to the church worried I was going to be late because I was very slow getting going (the service starts at 9:45...good in that I can sleep in, bad in that I get doing things between breakfast and time for church and lose track of time...) I was surprised to find that it really only take maybe 5 minutes longer to get to than NCC.

As I walked in, there weren't that many people around, I found the information area, and grabbed a pamphlet on the women's ministries and the small groups. Then, I went in and sat down. The church is set up in much the same way as my favourite church to date (back in Victoria...). The sanctuary is definitely smaller than the church I have been attending, but comfortable and cozy. I sat down, found the communication card (a card to let them know you were there...if you are new or if you have prayer requests or something...). The sanctuary never filled really, and I am still rather surprised at how few people were there...I wonder if it's the service (there are three...8:15 (but that is traditional, and I prefer contemporary worship), 9:45 and 11:15.

Noone talked to me specifically, that is not new. However, I did not sit alone in my pew.

I LOVED the worship...songs that I knew, raising hands, clapping. While I liked that NCC was tame because I wouldn't be as worried about bringing my mother, I realized how much I missed being able to just raise my hands and lose myself in worship..It was a bit of the best of both worlds...lots of raising hands, quiet amens, etc, but no tongues. I am weird in that I love the Pentecostal church worship services, but I can feel overwhelmed, even uncomfortable at times, with the speaking in tongues...

The sermon...well, I am trying not to base my decision on attending this church on the sermon. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the sermon, and in fact, it was relevant to most people in the room. But as a single woman, unhappy with her single status, and a first timer at this church, a sermon to teach men "What women want" to create strong marriages...well, it was irrelevant and, frankly, painful to be reminded of what I did not have. They are in the middle of a series on building strong families, so I can expect more of this...probably through June. Next week is for women teaching about "what men need". Ironically, why is it only what women want, but what men need?

They have a single bible study, at 11:15. I could have stayed, but as always, felt shy and scared to go on my own. Plus, the sermon had really brought me down...so, I left, stopped at Safeway for groceries, and bought a donut to drown my sorrows in sugar. LOL.;)

In all, I will go back. I will give it a try for a little while..I may even go to Ladies Evening Edition (Wed night Bible Study). I will try and contact some of the small groups that interest me and see, I will await communication from them based on my filling out the communication card, and most importantly, I will give it a month to see if anyone talks to me...

Oh, and from a friend's advice, I dressed up for church. I used to love putting on skirts and dresses for church, it made me feel good, but I just haven't done it in a couple years...it really did help me feel better. I have never been a make up/hair person, so I just can't see myself going that far...but wearing a skirt or a dress on a Sunday morning is one step to feeling good, I guess. :)

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Beautiful afternoon

The morning started off as so many here in the Pacific Northwest: cloudy, rainy with some wind thrown to really make it yucky. (without wind, I don't actually mind the rain so much..it is the cold windy rain that I dislike...)

My mom called. Dad was off freezing himself to death (uh,..I mean, golfing). We had a good conversation. It still feels weird talking to her about TTC but it isn't nearly as bad when dad isn't on the phone (I am sorry, but it is just plain WEIRD to talk about TTC when your father is on the phone...)

By the time we hung up, the sun was starting to come out and it was turning into a pretty nice day. I left for my acupuncture appointment and headed down to Seattle.

After acupuncture, I felt pretty happy (despite the fact that this one needle had hurt constantly...she said it had good Qi...whatever, it hurt LOL), it was warm and sunny and I headed home. I thought I might go out for a walk at a park. There are no nearby parks that I can walk to (at least not that I have found), so I looked up the parks department of my city on the web, and wrote down the address of a park near the water.

About this time, it was nearing 5 and I had to decide whether I wanted to go to my old church service tonight or not. I had been planning on going to the current church tonight and then a new one in the morning...But, I just couldn't get myself ready in time for tonight's service (or perhaps you could say I just wasn't motivated enough...). So, I had dinner and then headed out.

I headed to the downtown of my city, FOR THE FIRST TIME. Isn't that crazy??? I have been in this house (and this city) for over a year and a half, and I have never checked out the downtown. If I need anything, I have always done it in the city that I work in or in Seattle...

Anyway, so I followed directions to the park, but didn't find it. LOL. I found a boat launch and pulled in there and looked at people flying their kites and stuff, and turned around. Then, I decided to drive through the downtown to check out what was there...On my list to find were the main branch of the public library and the church I plan on attending tomorrow. The library, I learned this weekend from a yahoogroup for friends in my city...(how weird is that...), has a cafe attached to it where they have live music on Saturday evenings. I found the library and it looked pretty nice, much bigger and better than the little branch near my house that I stopped in once. I will have to check out the library one of these future weekends...I then found the church I will try tomorrow and it looks OK. Slightly smaller than my current church, but a good size.

I never got my walk in...(not to worry, I got my African music dancing exercise this afternoon!). So, I will have to check out some of these other parks at some point and retry the one I tried tonight (I realized when I got home that I might not have gone far enough on the road...). It was a good day, I am feeling pretty relaxed and more positive...Ultrasound on Wed, think good follicle growing thoughts!

Friday, April 15, 2005

Church quest

The quest continues.

Today, finally, I called a couple churches. I really didn't know what to say and would slowly painfully spit out that I was looking for a new church because I had been attending a church for a year and a half and don't know one person's name. I asked about single women's groups. Neither of the churches I actually got to talk to a live person had any thing for single women. Here is the rundown:

BCA - they have a singles Bible study Sunday mornings at 11:15. This would mean that I would attend church from 9:45-11, and then go directly to Bible study which likely lasts an hour-an hour and a half. They have a women's bible study on Wed evenings.

CFC - is a large church. They look like they may have many things to get involved with, but the lady on the phone was very nonspecific. Apparently there is a singles group, but when they meet I am not sure. (on their website it says once a month). I have heard of this church for a long time and for whatever reason it has always striked me as a weird. Our conversation kind of seemed that way.

I tried three other churches but noone was answering phones. One of them is even two cities away...so about a 20-25 minute drive, but their website looked promising.

And, of course, there is the church I currently attend. It has a singles Bible study, but it is during the service I usually attend (9 am to 11). They also have weekly singles breakfasts at Dennys and (used to anyway) have occasional fun singles events like bowling and game night. I just felt so out of place the one time I went to a singles meeting...But for whatever reason, I feel reluctant to leave this church. Partially, I think, because it has a lot of things that I hope for, they just haven't been able to pull me in and include me. Another great selling point is that I enjoy their worship, but it isn't quite as demonstrative (for lack of a better word) as more pentecostal-leaning churches (which I usually attend). This is a good thing in that I wouldn't worry about bringing my mom to this kind of service. She is very anti any denomination other than Lutheran you see...LOL

I keep debating calling my current church today...but really, what would I say? "Why doesn't anyone talk to me??" LOL

That was short lived...

Well, I am not saying I will never talk to the guy again, but I have stopped being intrigued. LOL. I am not usually one to make quick judgements on people, or at least I try not to. But here was the conversation that ended it for me,

(one of the things he said he liked to do was watch TV)
me: So what type of tv shows do you like?
him: wildlife programmes.


Yeah...that was the end of that.

Thursday, April 14, 2005


Well, a couple days ago, I received an email out of the blue from someone I have NEVER met or spoken to before. Usually, I am very skeptical about these things, but I decided, I really do need to meet people and feel connected to people, so what the hay.

So, I replied to this email from a man "from Canada". We exchanged a few short emails, and I was absolutely floored when he asked me if I had ever heard of the small city he lived in. Why was I so shocked??? Because he was from MY HOMETOWN. LOL. That was just the strangest thing ever.

We exchanged emails, he asked for a photo. Usually when someone asks for a photo, I get really annoyed. However, I am in such a weird place right now, that I thought let me just send him my photo and this will end without me getting too attached. Instead, he kept emailing and said that he would like to share his photo with me but he only has a webcam. So, I gave him my contact info for MSN and we just finished a short chat. During out chat, he asked if I had children, to which I responded no but that I would like to. Somehow, I ended up telling him about my current efforts...(why am I so damn honest about these things?) I am sure it shocked him, especially given that he is also Christian. But he quickly recovered, he knows I am trying, and while that is weird, it makes me feel better than I would if I felt I was "lying" to him.

Anyway, so this guy is kind of intriguing...stay tuned.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

The secret to exercise..

Or, my secret anyway. :)

You know, I have tried various exercise things.

I have tried the Walk Away the Pounds tapes, but I get bored and sometimes I get bored in the middle of a tape, and just turn it off...

I bought an exercise ball at the suggestion of a friend, but I don't know what to do with it...

I joined Curves a couple years ago, but once school started, I stopped going because they had such limited hours.

But, today, I gladly "exercised" for 30 minutes. Now, it was no formal exercise, but hey, it got me moving, made me happy, and got my heart pumping.

So what did I do, you may ask? I put some African music into the CD player, cranked it up very loud and just danced around my living room, belting out words I have no idea what I am saying in Dioula, Bambara, and Arabic, and the occasional song in French that I could understand. LOL:)

Tuesday, April 12, 2005


Since I have been going down memory lane the past few days, I suppose it doesn't surprise me that out of the blue today, I thought of Yaya.

Long before the yaya sisterhood movie, I met a man named Yaya while working in Abidjan (in the Ivory Coast). He was a sort of jack of all trades, but mainly he worked in art. He made art from calebash (is that the right word in English??), he collected masks and things, and he worked in a little store that sold all these art objects. He also was a musician and played the djembe. He lived in Abidjan with some relatives, I don't remember who exactly, I know his parents were dead. Perhaps, one side of the grandparents? Anyway, he was actually from a nearby country, Burkina Faso.

We met one afternoon at the French Cultural centre. I had gone there because I was told that I could access the internet there and I wanted to email my boyfriend, HC of whom I have talked about before, who was back in Montreal. However, the place where I could send email wasn't going to open for an hour, so since it was my lunch hours (we got two hours for lunch), I just grabbed something to eat and ate there in the terasse. A table or two over, was Yaya. He was intensely studying a driver's manual. At some point, he looked around, saw me, and asked to join me. We chatted and somehow he ended up giving me a phone number and we talked about going to listen to music some night.

With time, Yaya became a very good friend. One of my roommates, Lindsay, and I would frequently meet with Yaya to listen to some music or just to hang out. Some of my best and most "African" of my memories of Africa, include times with Yaya.

Well, I won't bore you with the long drawn out personal struggle I felt between HC and Yaya, but suffice it to say, HC and I ended up breaking up about 3 months after I returned from Africa and I think it was in large part due to Yaya.

In any case, for a couple years, Yaya and I exchanged letters, sometimes even phone calls. But, as many (if not most) of my friendships have done, we drifted apart over the years. I have tried to write him about once a year or so in the past couple of years, but have not received a response.

Today, for no apparent reason, I thought, let me google Yaya. Lo and behold, I found a website where he left a comment. I am absolutely certain it is him as it mentions his full name, his birth city, and that he is an artist. He is living in Holland, I guess. Unfortunately, he did not leave an email address on the website, so I was inspired and wrote a letter this afternoon, once again writing to his family back in Burkina...craziness I suppose, but at least I tried.

Second thoughts...

I have been so steadfast in my decision to become an SMC...

Until my breakdown.

But yesterday and today, I have really been pining for a relationship...

I don't think I am to the point of quitting TTC...

I don't know.

Monday, April 11, 2005

A brand new day...

Well, I can't say that I am completely back to a more "normal" cheery state for me, but I am definitely better than I have been the past couple of days. Of course, I have the puffy bags under my eyes from the incessant crying and the day-after-crying-your-heart-out headache, but things are getting better.

I had my first appointment with the acupuncturist today. On a whim, on Saturday morning, I called my clinic and made an appointment. She also comes recommended by a local SMC.

Anyway, I didn't know what to expect. I went in and she asked me a lot of questions about a gazillion things from my general mood and anxiety (it was hard to be convincing that I am GENERALLY a happy person after yesterday...LOL), to my bowel movements. LOL. Then she looked at my tongue and took my pulse in 9 different places.

She told me to eat pineapple for 5 days after an IUI...ick. I don't like pineapple.

Then, I lay down and she inserted needles in various places throughout my body, from the top of my head down to my feet...it was weird, but it didn't hurt. Then I just lay there for 20 minutes, she came back and removed them and we set an appointment for Saturday. (I am to go in weekly plus the day of an IUI and three days after an IUI).

I can't say I felt much...no intense feeling of relaxation or anything. I did feel what I can only describe as a "swirling" kind of feeling in my abdomen. She told me it was my Qi because that area is the sea of Qi or something like that. (Oddly, I remembered when HC and I started dating and his mother told him basically that I was draining his Qi...LOL).

But, I did leave there feeling somewhat happier, the sun started shining again on my drive home, and I came home to a freshly mowed front and back lawn (this was a great surprise as I was just thinking on my way home that I had to get my act in gear and mow it today cause it is supposed to rain tomorrow).

Life is looking up.

In my despair yesterday, I had one crazy thought and one more reasonable thought. First, the crazy thought was that I could take out a newspaper ad saying I was in desperate need of a good friend...LOL. Of course, I would not do that, and that would just be craziness. However, the more reasonable thought was that I should call churches this week (including my current one), maybe even go in and meet with pastors or something, to try and find a church that is going to help me to feel part of a community. We will see...

Sunday, April 10, 2005

From mini-meltdown...

to huge, sobbing uncontrollably meltdown.

I thought I was doing OK today. I got up late, didn't go to church, and played the Sims 2 for an hour. Went off to the SMC meeting where I got a lot of baby time (6 week old) and some nice conversations with fellow SMCs. Came home, watched some TV, called grandma, called my dad back, played the piano and sang until my throat was raw (things that usually raise my spirits), ventured into the nursery...There, I went through some old cards, and threw away most of them. Of course, I came across that last Christmas card from H, made me sad. But, I survived. I left the room and went back to playing piano and singing. Went to bed.

Seems like I recovered, right?

Then, I am lying in bed, my mind is racing, and I come to a realization: It's not about H. Sure, I am sad that he is gone, but he has been gone for five years?! It's about remembering times when I felt loved. When I had good friends I did things with on a regular basis. Friends I talked to and who actually listened to me. When I was a person who made plans with people, who went out, who had a life.

And I started sobbing.

And sobbing.

And I am not sure I am ever going to stop.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Tears for yesteryears

I am a pack rat.

There. I said it. LOL.

So, since this is the beginning of spring break for me, I have a nice long list of things to do. Just about everything has to do with cleaning/unpacking. The majority of things that are "unpacked" are boxes of things that I lug around with me everywhere I go. Every item in these boxes, brings back a flood of memories.

Today, I have been trying to work on cleaning out the nursery (ie: getting rid of the boxes and boxes such as those described above). Just now, I went back in the room, and tried to attack a box of "files" and memorabilia. The first thing I picked up was an agenda book/planner. I have saved all of my planners since I started college...how weird is that.

In any case, this particular planner was from 1997/1998 (almost all of my planners are on a school calendar). This was a huge year for me. I was trying to figure out what to do about H who left Montreal just as I moved to Montreal, I met HC who I ended up dating for quite a while (the ex-bf mentioned in a few other posts), and I went to Africa for 6 months (the beginning of the end for HC and I).

As I flipped through the pages, I remembered the excitement when HC and I moved beyond friendship. It brought a lump to my throat as I reflected upon how we continued to be close for so long until this past year or so...and how very much I miss his friendship. One day, perhaps I will tell our story, but this one still hurts too much.

I continued flipping through pages, and read "A called". A was my first boyfriend ever, the one I thought I would die without for at least a year after our short relationship ended. I also miss his friendship, as bizarre as our relationship was. We had remained friends until I moved to the states...and then we lost touch completely.

But the one that really brought me to tears with a pit in my stomach, was "H called" and "H's birthday". I met H through IRC (an old chatroom) at the same time that I met A (1994). But I never "met" H until about 2 years later. For some reason, about three months before I "met" him, we really started becoming closer and closer through emails and phone calls. He invited me to come visit him during Thanksgiving weekend at Queens university where he was doing his Master's degree. I was way too nervous to fly across the country and stay with someone I had never met, so instead, I told him he could come visit me. He did. We had such an amazing weekend. I will forever remember dinner that first night at Periklis, and then walking along the breakwater in the dark of night. Talking and making out, all night long. Hay rides through the pumpkin patch, too much wine over a thanksgiving feast prepared by the two of us for all of my friends. And then, the grey, rainy ferry ride to send him back home from the Vancouver airport.

We continued to write and talk daily and as I finished my B.A. and was trying to decide what I should do, I decided, let me move to Montreal and see where this goes(by this time he had finished his degree and moved back home to Montreal). Just as it was becoming time to move, he got a job in Ontario, and he left a week or so before I arrived. But, he did find me an apartment beforehand, and even signed my lease for me. From May-September-ish, I went to visit him a few times, we talked and wrote, and slowly, somehow, we sort of died down. I thought about H a lot up until HC and I really got together, and slowly we moved apart.

I began to see H only once or twice a year (even after he moved back to Montreal). The last time I saw him was at a Christmas party at my apartment back in Montreal in December 1999. HC and I had broken up, and H came to my Christmas party. I felt like there was still some connection there, but I didn't act upon it. In the months ahead, I thought, I need to see H before I move (I was moving back across the country in July). In June, I thought, I am going to call H. I didn't, and then on July 1st, I got the fateful email. H had been killed in a car accident. I was devastated. Why hadn't I called him? Why did I keep putting it off for so long? Who could I turn to for comfort? To his credit, HC, generally the jealous type and always (it seemed) jealous of H, came to comfort me and even drove with me to the funeral home to say my good byes.

Anyway, all of this came flooding back to me as I opened that planner. I know that these memories will always be with me, with or without the planners, so why do I keep them? Do I really want to get this sad when I open up these boxes of memories? And most importantly, why, if I have had these men that I have loved so dearly in my life, why am I still alone?

ETA: I was so upset thinking about Habib, that I googled his name (as I always seem to do when I think about him). I don't know why I do that, I guess to make certain noone has forgotten him. I found a disturbing article in a French newspaper about his death. I had never seen it before. I also found that his parents have set up a scholarship in his name at McGill (where he did his Bachelor's degree)

Edited again to add: Will it never end? I finally, 3 hours later, got the courage to go back into the room. I decided I couldn't handle that box, so opened another, and what do I find? A binder full of printed out emails from H and A (as well as all my friends back in Victoria at the time) from that summer when I was living in Ottawa. I stood there reading H's emails about life growing up in Lebanon as a Christian, his professions of love, his poems, his swearing to keep my address in confidence when I gave it to him to send me a birthday card...I couldn't handle it. I dropped the book and ran out of there in tears, AGAIN. I am not sure I will ever be able to go back in that room...

Friday, April 08, 2005

Mandated reporter

Today, I had the unfortunate priviledge of doing my duty as a "mandated reporter". Other teachers, doctors, and others who work with children likely know exactly what I am talking about.

Some professions, like teachers and I believe doctors, are required to report any suspicion of child abuse or neglect.

I did have to deal with a family in an abusive situation many years ago when I ran a day camp for an immigrant organization, however, I was not involved in any of the reporting. The children were in my day camp. Sometimes, I would go to pick them up for day camp. One day, I went to pick them up and as I left my car, I could hear screaming and things being thrown around. When I got to the door, the children came running out so quickly. A day or two later, the dad showed up at my house with roses to thank me for driving the children, supposedly (I assume he thought he could charm me and I wouldn't report what I heard...I told my coworkers at the immigrant association and they reported it). It was so very frightening and creepy. And then one day they were in a shelter. I went to visit them at the shelter and they were so happy to see me, but so very sad. Worst of all, a month later, mom and kids moved back with the abusive father. It was all so heartbreaking. I have thought of them over the years, wonder what happened to them.

Today, however, was my first time having to call CPS. I went up to see one of the counselors who called the student in question in. She asked the student a few questions, dismissed the student, and we made the call.

Two things stuck with me all day. 1) The student insisted it was their fault. 2) The student believed nothing would happen/change, and I suspect they may be right.

I felt in such an awkward place. I worried that the student would think I had betrayed them. This is a student who is already very withdrawn from me, one of those students I have always wanted to reach, but just never have. I will worry about this student for nights to come I am sure...

This has got to be one of the worst things about being a teacher..

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Day 14 ultrasound scheduled

Take Three. I just wrote this beautiful post(TWICE), and it disappeared.

AF came to visit this morning and so I called and scheduled my
day 14 ultrasound. I am seeing Dr. L., a man I have never met
before, for my cd14 because noone else appeared to be around
in the afternoon on the 20th. It feels a little weird seeing
someone I haven't met before, but my only other option was to
take the entire day off and see Dr. K. That seemed a bit crazy.
Interestingly, Dr. PAIN was not offered up as a possibility...did
they get rid of her?

I also ordered more sperm this afternoon. I had been hoping that
you readers would weigh in on the dilemma of the 1/4 other race
guy with the great medical history. But noone did, and I just
wasn't sure what to do, so I put him aside. For now at least.
I organized my three top choices and called in. Of course, #1
and #2 were both in quarantine. One for a month, the other until
July, so I went with #3 who happened to be the same guy I used
for my first cycle. At least I know he had a good post-thaw sperm

I was going to go to Costco to pick up my Clomid and Prometrium
for this cycle, but it is just pouring rain. I actually like
the rain, but this is a cold icky rain. I didn't relish the idea
of walking a mile to/from my car and trying to stuff everything
into my trunk as it becomes sopping wet, so I will have to go
another day. Hopefully, I can get away from school relatively
early tomorrow and make it. Otherwise, it must be Saturday since
I am due to begin the Clomid on Saturday.

I am hoping for great things cycle...However, if by chance I
do get pregnant this cycle, then I would not be able to go home
for Christmas (would be 9 months pregnant..can't imagine flying
OR driving). This will upset my mother who is the Christmas maniac...

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Good news/bad news

I just received an email from the vice principal in charge of the master schedule. There are 5 sections of first year Spanish again. This is good news. It means I will have only one course to plan for again, just like this year. This will be especially good should I become pregnant soon as I won't be having to start from scratch with planning second year (I taught second year Spanish my first two years, but we have since worked hard to get the first years through the first year book in first year and I have never taught with the actual second year book).

The bad news is that it looks like we are going to have to hire a third teacher (again) for one section. We did this last year and got this teacher who was absolutely incompetent. In the end, he had more seniority (in the district) than me, and I was supposed to have been bumped from my high school this year to a middle school for ONE period because of his seniority. Thankfully, we convinced him it didn't make sense to have two teachers travelling (he already taught in two schools) and that he may be better suited for the middle school, and he volunteered to take my place so I could stay put.

Now, about 2 weeks ago, I received an email from him, out of the blue. Basically, he was saying how he was having a rough time over there but he was starting to adjust. (in March)....this really scares me...I haven't even responded because I was just so shocked and confused as to why he was emailing out of the blue.

Anyway, so I am really worried that he may come back again...that would be a bad thing. It would mean a) that he would take one section of first year because he doesn't feel comfortable teaching the higher levels which would mean that I would then have two preps and b) that I may once again be bumped the following year because of his seniority.

I am also somewhat sad that I won't be teaching second year. I have been telling kids who have asked (usually those who wanted me to be their teacher) that I was going to teach one section second year next year (as per the first numbers we received...must have had more kids sign up, plus the kids I said couldn't go into second year would have been bumped back to first year).

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Cycle #3 update (IUI #2)

First off, is this cycle 2 or 3? I don't know....It is the third menstrual cycle since beginning, but only the second cycle that I had an egg and inseminated...

In any case, it is drawing to a close I believe. All tests have been negative. My temp dropped yesterday and stayed at the dropped temp today. I stopped the progesterone today (14 days post ovulation) and now AF can arrive anytime...last cycle it took almost a week after dropping the progesterone, so it could be a while yet.

I am not too down. Looking forward to a new cycle and trying to decide which donor to go with this time.

I ordered a couple more profiles last week and they arrived today. There was one profile that says wonderful, very very healthy, all relatives have died in their 90s or at 100 except a parent who was killed in a car accident. BUT, the donor doesn't "look" like me. What I mean is, he is 1/4 another race...does that matter? If I were adopting it wouldn't matter at all, if I were married to the man, it wouldn't matter at all...but going with donor sperm...well, I just don't know.

Sunday, April 03, 2005


OK. It is done, it is sent.

Question number 1 SUCKED. It was absolutely terrible...what happens if one fails the comprehensive exam? It was that bad...

But, it is done and I am going to go prepare my lunch bag for tomorrow, set the coffeemaker with some decaf for tomorrow morning, and either go to bed or veg in front of the TV....

Comp Exam Update #2

Question 1: 1/3 finished
Question 2: Done!
Question 3: Done!
Question 4: Done!

Three down, one more to go! WOOHOO! I can do it! (if I don't start throwing up...seriously now, this nausea is getting old (unless of course it ends in a BFP)...)

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Nausea explanation?

OK, so if you have been following my FertilityFriend chart, then you know that I have been having nausea a lot lately. I was beginning to feel rather hopeful about this. However, I think I just figured out another possible explanation: I have increased my Metformin dosage from 1500mgs to 2000mgs...might just be from that since I know lots of people get bad side effects from it....Oh well, I will test again on Monday or Tuesday. In the meantime, I am trying to figure out if I can take Pepto Bismol if I may be pregnant?

I HATE Verizon

I absolutely hate, despite, detest, loathe Verizon.

Are there no laws against monopolies in this country????!!! I could have sworn there were.

I can not switch phone companies because Verizon has a monopoly in my area. I hate Verizon. I hate them. I HATE THEM!

For the 6 months or so, I have been on their Freedom plan. You pay something in the area of 60 dollars a month and you get unlimited calling to Canada and the US. Well, I decided that I really wasn't probably calling that much to Canada anymore since Liz is never home (the only friend in Canada I used to speak with on a regular basis), so I would switch to just a long distance plan. I researched it on the net, and it was 4.00 a month plus 5 cents a minute to Canada.

And then today I receive a letter thanking me for staying with Verizon (I sure as heck would NOT if I had a choice), and outlining my new plan...and surprise! rates went up yesterday (I switched on Tuesday) and now it is 7 cents a minute. Now, granted that is not as bad an increase as they tried when I first moved to this house..(from 5 cents a minute to 75??!!!!), but I still think I should have been told this at the time of my call.

So, I went online and tried to order Qwest which is who I have wanted to use for FOREVER but they are not allowed in my area because Verizon has a monopoly. And, of course, my order couldn't go through....


OK, back to the regular scheduled paper writing.

Comprehensive Exam update

I am drudging along on my papers.
Here is the countdown:
Question 1: 1/3 finished, needs one more reference minimum
Question 2: not started (well, I found some articles, but haven't read them)
Question 3: 3/4 finished (needs one more reference)
Question 4: 1/3 finished (but I have all the research needed to finish..so shouldn't take too long...like another hour and a half maybe)

I am hoping to finish question 3 and 4 tonight...but time is running out! I see I have been up 12 hours already! (but I did nap for about an hour and a half...so hopefully I will be good until about 10)

BFN and desperate

BFN (big fat negative) on the FRER this morning. Couldn't have been any whiter in the test area..Oh well.

I am, however, getting very panicked and desperate about these papers. I went so far as to find a paper writing service and was seriously considering them for at least ONE paper, but I just can't get past my conscience. LOL. damn conscience. ;) It didn't help that the address of the place was in Seattle so that freaked me out a bit too...LOL.

I just can't seem to focus enough to write these stupid papers. I have been up since 6 (almost three hours) and haven't really done a thing. Am just about ready for a nap. LOL


Oh, the places I've seen

This is really cool. Thanks, Carrie for directing me here!:)

create your own visited country map
or write about it on the open travel guide

Friday, April 01, 2005

Another flyby posting...

I am at the point that I would pay someone to write these papers for me...LOL. Alas, there is noone to pay!! Hahaha.

Anyway, what I really wanted to say is that I felt rather hopeful for this cycle today as I sat in my room during first period as well as during an hour and a half assembly feeling rather nauseous..

BUT, I peed on an internet cheapie HPT and it was negative. I have one First Response Early Response (FRER) here at home, and am trying to decide whether or not I can bare holding off until Sunday to use it...probably not. Hehe. But I do have quite a few internet cheapies still laying around.