Struggling..

I am really struggling today. Yesterday, I kept busy all day, went to Costco and Safeway and cleaned the floors and the bathroom, and it felt like a pretty productive day.

Today, despite trying to ignore that today is New Year's Eve, time for couples to reflect and look forward to a new year and begin it with the traditional new year kiss, I have done nothing but one measly load of laundry. I am sad, I am listening to music that makes me even more sad, and am fighting back tears almost the entire day.

I have done pretty good the past few months on not focusing on my "single"ness and how depressing that is...but tonight, I just can't seem to kick it...

I truly hope that the rest of you have a wonderful new year's eve.

Ordered!

So, yesterday I called the NW Cryobank to see if they had received all my paperwork and they had. Then, I called SRM (the fertility clinic) to coordinate the sperm shipment but I got a machine and she didn't call back until this morning.

I called back to NW Cryo this morning, and tried to order my first, second, third and fourth choices and they were either sold out or in quarantine. I hung up and did a frantic search again with only the short profiles to guide me. I made a list of about 4-5 that looked acceptable from their short profiles, and realized I already had the profile of one of them (I had put it aside because they didn't have a reported pregnancy). I called back and tried to order my new #1, and bingo! it was in. Then as she started totalling up my order she tells me that they are IUI vials. Now, I will be doing IUI but my doctor washes them anyway, so it's better go with ICI. Plus, once my doctor washes the sperm, the guarantee is voided. So, I go back and have her look at one other guy, and he has two vials of ICI and I do what is likely the strangest order she has ever taken...I order the two of the ICI guy (for whom I have a profile already...but not reported pregnancy) and one of the IUI guy (for whom I have no profile, but he has reported pregnancies). So, now I am going to need to remember all this for if/when I get pregnant or I won't know which one was the donor!

LOL!

What an interesting morning...now, back to my laundry and cleaning.

For those who pray...

I forgot to write of one important event that happened yesterday. My aunt who lives here in the Seattle area and who has been so good to me, was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease yesterday. She says it may have begun about 8 years ago and appears to be progressing quickly. For those of you who pray, please keep her in your prayers.

HOME!!

I am home. Actually, I got home yesterday afternoon, but have been quite busy catching up on everything.

I had a good Christmas home with my parents. I visited with family and friends, drank copious amounts of coffee (not the 1/2 half-caf/1/2 decaf mix that I have been drinking..but real coffee), and played lots of cards. I was able to see everyone I had hoped to see and stayed relatively healthy for the entire trip (except for my last evening when I came down with either a stomach flu in the middle of the night or a serious case of reflux).

My parents actually finally gave me money for Christmas. I was stunned. I have asked for money for years, but to no avail. I suppose it is because I only asked for trivets and money. The timing was great and I am sure that they will be thrilled to know that they helped contribute to having a grandchild;)

I never got around to telling my parents about my plans to TTC. I wanted to but kept chickening out. However, Ryan tells me that his mom knows that is a possibility for me...whether she knows that from suspecting it or from my mom I don't know.

I did get pictures of the disco star which my dad and I ran all around the city looking for a new lightbulb for. We finally pushed the top of the fake tree to the side and were able to get the star on and working. I will post pics in the next couple days...I don't know how to yet.

When I got home yesterday, I had a doctor's appointment to check on my blood pressure since changing meds. It was 134/89 and she hemmed and hawed over it and then decided to leave things as they are for another 3-4 weeks and then I will go back in. Since I have diabetes, and because I am trying to get pregnant, she really wants it to be below 130/80...BUT, there was good news at this visit. She was very pleased with my consistent glucose readings and I am down to only one test a day, after a meal, as long as I can keep it below 140! Of course, this is only until pregnancy.

On the fertility end of things, I am very thrilled to report that it looks like I ovulated on CD23 which is incredible! That is back to my normal ovulation time and no drugs to start! If anyone enjoys tracking these things, feel free to visit my chart at Fertility friend. If indeed I did O, and I actually have a regular period at the end of this cycle, I can expect to inseminate the third or fourth week of January. :) Next RE appointment is Tuesday.

Well, that's about it for my quick update. Hope you all have a great New year!

Merry Christmas!!

I am taking a few minutes here to send off a quick holiday greeting to everyone. My uncle and grandma should arrive here in about 3 hours and my dad has left to go pick up my cousin and should be back in about 8 hours. Mom is off doing all her last minute Christmas shopping to which I was not invited (obviously buying something for me).

Last night I came to a horrible realization. I went out to Montana's for dinner with Ryan and his sister and her girlfriend. Dinner was incredible and I did my best to make somewhat healthy choices apart from the dessert I shared at the end....Then we came home to play a few games of slap, to which I won all three!! (actually, I could have sworn Ryan won one game, but he tells me no...) When it was sufficiently late enough, we headed out to the bar. This is where it hit me: I am old. LOL. I could not tolerate the smoke at all, my eyes were dry and hurt, my nose was plugged, and I had a hard time breathing amidst all the smoke...I tolerated it for two hours, and then I was done. I was home from a BAR by MIDNIGHT!!!! Oh...how sad it is to know that I am getting old...BUT, I look forward to this next stage of my life: motherhood.

I had planned to tell my parents of my TTC plans this Christmas. I have gone over and over different ways to say it...and yet, I just can't find a way to say, "so, starting January I am going to try to get knocked up by a stranger"...Somehow, I just don't know that my rather traditional parents would be able to deal with this...Of course, Ryan tells me it is harder on me to tell them than it is on them to hear this type of surprising news....This is probably true, but I just can't seem to get the courage. I always thought I would tell them when I was pregnant, but then I can see the same concerns...and it may just be that next Christmas they will go to pick me up at the plane, and surprise! You have a grandchild..haahaha

Ahh...but I digress. I really wanted to take a quick moment (before I start the traditional wrapping of my dad's gift to my mom and my mom's gift to my dad and the baking and the baking and the baking....) to wish you all a Merry Christmas. I pray that each and everyone of us have a wonderful holiday with family and friends and that great things are awaiting us all in the new year.

My list (take three)

SO, I have tried emailing this post twice already....sorry if it shows up three times.

OK. It is now 2:44 and I have completed ONE thing on the list...yes, that is it, one thing. I went to pharmacy (and albertsons and safeway and Kmart) to look for my mom's shampoo to no avail and picked up some prenatals and another pill box.

Anyway, I MUST get to work...hahaha if I keep telling myself maybe something will happen, you see, I don't only procrastinate papers;)

I am trying to email this again...let's see if it works.

Still procrastinating...

OK, so it is now 6:36 and nothing has been done on my list...

I did a google search on the shampoo mom wanted and found that they had it online at Walgreens, so i went back to Walgreens to see if I hadn't just missed it somehow. I asked one of the sales clerks and she told me that they were all sold out and have been since Thanksgiving??!! Sorry mom..

I went to Dairy Queen after that and picked up some supper...I know, not a good healthy dinner, but I have been working on cleaning out the food in my fridge since I was going away tomorrow...It was nummy but my hot fudge sundae tasted like coffee...do they have mocha flavoured syrup or something? I don't know..it was weird.

What really prompted my post right now is one of the ads at the side of my page here. There was an ad from Bethany Christian Service. I am all for adoption and Christianity, I think most of you know that by now. However, I really dislike this organization as they are constantly advertising on the Christian radio station (which I usually listen to every morning) about finding a family for every child blah blah blah...when I have contacted them and do not accept singles. I suppose to your average person you see no evil in this...but come on now...this just seems wrong when you are advertising about how you want to find a home for these children and there are people out there who would give anything to have a child, but you reject them because they weren't fortunate enough to get married??!!! It really irks me...and I wish they didn't advertise on my site.

No luck...

I have not been having any luck with the email postings it seems...

So, I will attempt to rewrite my post from yesterday.

This past week has been a hectic one. The week before was Homecoming which took a lot out of me to begin with and then this was the week before Christmas vacation when all kids go nut-so. LOL. :)

It isn't really that I did THAT much out of the ordinary. On Wednesday I had a parent conference after school and then went to JoAnn's Fabrics to pick up something to encase the truffles I was about to make that evening for the other World languages ladies. I got to work on them probably around 6 or so but then I failed to notice that I had to wait for them to chill and so before I knew it, it was 9 and things weren't ready and I was exhausted and off to bed I went.

Thursday, I decided to do a craft with my kids. I read them an abbreviated version of the "legend of the poinsettia" (Mexican folklore) and then we made construction paper poinsettias. Of course, the kids loved it, and I was utterly exhausted when the day was over. BUT, I started a tradition my first year here and they all expect it now, so I had much more to do this evening. I came home from school, exhausted as I said, so I had a nap until about 6. Then I got up, and proceeded to bake, frost, and decorate 150 cupcakes for the kiddos. I finished around 11ish and realized I still didn't finish the gifts for the WL ladies...I decided they would have to understand and I gave them the other half of their gift not even decorated (tea/hot chocolate mixes I made and put in jars).

Friday, I barely even woke up when the alarm went off I was so exhausted. But, I dragged myself out of bed, strapped the many tins into the car (buckled them in so they wouldn't tip), and headed to school to set up for our fiesta. Again, the kids loved it, and I was dead to the world by the time the last bell rang. As always, most kids appreciated the cupcakes that I made for them with a couple knuckleheads who complain they only get one...

I got two gifts and a card from students on Friday. In high school, it is rare to get gifts from your students, so they are all that more special.

I was very good about treats, I had NO cupcakes, and only one little piece of some oatmeal/caramel bar thing that a student brought. I was very impressed.

So, Friday night there were many things I SHOULD have done, but again, was too tired.

Saturday morning, I got up at 9 (I had slept 12 hours!!!), had a quick breakfast and then headed over to my aunt's. I had received free tickets for Handel's Messiah and my aunt, cousin Cheryl and I headed down to Benaroya Hall for a marvelous performance. It really was great, and as my aunt said, I wish they had sang the Hallelujah chorus again, it was that moving!

So, you see, it has been a very busy week, and I have STILL not done hardly anything on my list that MUST be done before I leave tomorrow morning to visit my parents for 10 days....I did, however, finally figure out (I think) why I am so exhausted these past couple weeks. (of course, if it had been at ALL possible, I would have thought I was pregnant!) When I got my new blood pressure meds, the pharmacist told me one of the side effects was making you tired. It had better improve as you adjust to the meds, cause I can't live like this...I literally feel dead to the world all the time.....

Anyway, since I can't seem to figure out how to email posts, I likely won't be posting again until the 29th...have a merry Christmas all my wonderful blogging friends!:)

Sunday morning...

I still haven't rewritten my post from yesterday that was lost and talked about my week...I will try very hard to do that later this evening.

It is Sunday morning (11:33) and I have been up for 2 hours. Yes, I slept until 9:15 or something today. Absolute craziness for me when I usually get up at 5 on weekdays and 7:00 on weekends...I talked about this in my lost post...

Anyway, here I am wasting the morning away, and I have done NOT ONE THING from my list of must dos today. Here it is:

laundry - two loads

clean kitchen, at the very least finish washing all the trays from the 150 cupcakes from the lost post...

clean bathroom (my bathroom is prone to mould and with me gone for ten days I want it completely clean and dried before I leave)

go to the drugstore to buy Wash n Curl shampoo for my mom (she asked for it last night), a pill box since mine only holds 7 days and I will be gone 10, and a folic acid supplement because I have been reading the posts at the FertilityFriend's circle single and TTC and it seems everyone else takes extra on top of their multivitamin...I haven't been told to, but hey, I will do anything that will help get me pregnant or have a healthy baby

write my Christmas letter

stuff Christmas cards with Christmas letter

prepare a half.com order to mail tomorrow morning

prepare litter bags so my aunt only needs to remove dirty one and put in clean one

buy cat good and fill up the cat food container

PACK (I have a current list of 15 things to pack)

then on Monday...

mail the half.com order and Christmas cards
pack pills
feed cats
turn down heat
grab passport
drive to Abbotsford (2 hours) and catch the plane (1 hour 5 minutes) to meet my parents and drive to Medicine Hat (3 hours)

Will I make it???

NO!!!

ARGH! So, I just made another post that I was attempting to email in and as I pressed send, I said to myself, I should have copied that...what if it didn't work. And sure enough, immediately I get an email telling me it didn't work.....

I am too annoyed and tired right now to re-type. Will do it sometime tomorrow.

Anyone out there have any advice/tips on emailing posts?

testing

I know I need to send an update which I will try to do tonight, but right
now I just wanted to test out emailing a blog entry since I will be heading
to my parents soon and may wish to send a post while away. I am heading out
to see Handel's Messiah very shortly, so will try to send a real post
tonight. :)

The local SMC

Finally, I made it to a local SMC (single mothers by choice) meeting today. It was out in Redmond and I left about 10:30, stopped at Safeway to get gas, Starbucks latte and a box of oranges for the meeting. I made it about 10 minutes early so that was good since I had no idea where I was going;)

It was at the house of one SMC and her toddler daughter and there was one woman there already with her two kids, 7 and 5 I think she said. Slowly more and more women showed up and in all I think there was about 15 or so women there plus kids from 3 1/2 months to 7 years.

There were women in all different stages: 5 or 6 with children, 2 pregnant, 2 tryers (plus me...I guess I would be considered a tryer since I am not a thinker anymore...), 1 woman looking into adoption, and 2 thinkers....actually I think there was between 1-3 other women I never spoke to so I don't know what stage they are in.

I was quite nervous going to the meeting as I don't tend to do well in group situations where I don't know anyone but I was pretty proud of myself. :) I talked with most people and it was just so encouraging to see so many women with children and/or pregnant. It was also encouraging to see at least two women who were overweight too as this was one of my main hesitations of going to these meetings...don't ask me why, I am strange like that.

One of the women has two childre all ready and is currently pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy. She is looking into adoption for this third child and even asked the woman looking into adoption if she would be interested.....(she isn't...she wants an older child, at least 1 year old, and preferably sibling group from Guatemala). I did speak up and said if only this were 6 months from now (that she was looking into adoption...baby will be born in about 6 months) that I would be extremely interested. Of course, she hadn't really asked me..but I did put it out there. I really felt like saying "pick me, pick me!!", but on the other hand I have come this close to trying and really want to at least give it a good try. I did find it encouraging that she wants to adopt her baby out into an alternative family (SMC or lesbian couple). I found that encouraging because I am so scared of not being chosen for adoption because I am single....

Anyway, I enjoyed the meeting and am so glad I went. I was welcomed by everyone and look forward to going to more of these meetings! (hopefully with my own baby someday soon...)

Santa Claus is coming...

Yep. The Christmas season has definitely arrived here.

Saturday morning I went out with my uncle and cousin to chop down a Christmas tree. It was really cool as I had never done that before. They picked me up about 8:30 and we drove out to this tree farm near Stanwood. The lady gives you a saw and a piece of cardboard to kneel on and off you go. We walked around and selected the tree probably within about 15-20 minutes. David chopped it down and we took it back to the van. We enjoyed some free hot chocolate and candy canes and headed back into town. They dropped me off at home and they headed home to decorate.

I went out to the Christian bookstore to pick up some Christmas cards and ended up buying some DVDs too. When I got home, I planned to write my Christmas letter and get my Christmas cards ready. I realized I forgot to pick up paper for the letters so just relaxed and caught up on some of the shows I have recorded and not had time to watch lately..

I headed back to my aunt and uncle's by around 4 for dinner. They had the tree up but weren't finished decorating. David was heading into Seattle for a Sonics game and we were going into Seattle for a Mexican Christmas concert. The concert was put on by someone in their church and she told about the traditions in both Spanish and English and sang many Christmas songs (in Spanish) and we had the words to join in. It was fun and I hope I can convince my students to go next year!:)

I remember...

I finally saw my "primary care physician" yesterday. It was the second time in my life that I have seen this doctor who is supposed to be my main doctor. Despite never seeing her (because I have had no need), I have always kept her as my PCP and I now remember why. She is great!

I went in for "diabetic follow-up". Though we really didn't talk much about it. She walked into the room and said "well, are you sure you have any blood left after all those tests a couple weeks ago?" My OB could never be bothered to even read my chart let alone walk in and KNOW who I was! I was pretty impressed. We talked about all the blood tests and the fertility workup and stuff. I asked her about the letter my RE had sent (actually two letters), and she opened my chart and there they were. She said noone had told her about them, they had just placed them in my chart. Anyway, she immediately got on it and wrote an email write then and there to the perinatalogist to ask about any other tests I needed to rule out clotting disorders. Then we tackled the issue of my blood pressure meds which were not pregnancy friendly and my RE wanted changed. She called down to the pharmacy and was on the phone for about 10 minutes getting info on pregnancy friendly blood pressure meds. Can you believe there are only 2???? Anyway, she researched these two options and found that both required 4 pills a day (she was trying hard to find one that was once a day like my other two) so just chose one for me to try.

In all, I was there for about an hour (scheduled for 20 minutes as the last patient of the day). She never once said anything about me keeping her other than that I would have to call back to make my follow-up appointment because everyone had gone home!

So, this means that I have only two things left to do: order sperm (plan to do this next week) and exercise in December. (I have only got in two exercise days so far....must do better). I am tempted to make my RE appointment end of December when I get home from vacation, but I probably should just wait till January. Having had a spontaneous cycle that just started last week means I doubt the RE will let me take until 35 days have passed and I have no period...sigh...I suppose I should just call and ask.

Well, must go watch Survivor!

ARGH!!!!

TEN FREAKING TIMES!!!!

Yes, it took me ten freaking pokes to FINALLY get my test tonight after dinner.

I hate this.

Another one!!!

I can't believe it. Once again my period has come on its own. Last time it was 60 days into the cycle, this time 56...could it be slowly working itself back to normal?? Should I wait a couple cycles before IUIs to see if it works itself out?? I don't know.

I am going to try to start temping again this cycle. Haven't done it in about a year. Of course, should I anything actually happen (ovulation), that would fall right around the time I will be at my parents house, in a different time zone, sharing a bed with my grandma...maybe I shouldn't bother...

Confused and excited over here. :)

Lunch with a colleague

Today was a non-student day. We had meetings in the morning and the afternoon to work on grades (report cards are due next week...in the middle of homecoming).

I have mentioned before how I am very happy to have my own room this year, and for the most part, even like where it is located, but this means that I rarely venture away from my dungeon So, I have come to enjoy these rare times that I get to meet with other teachers and more specifically the other world languages ladies.

Today, after our morning meetings, three of us decided to go out for lunch. (Jan was waiting for her helper and did not join us). Every time we all go out, it always starts with "let's go to _____ Mexican restaurant" and I remind them I don't like Mexican food, and then we either choose somewhere else or I decide not to join them. Well, today, I really wanted to go out to eat with them since I have not been out to eat with them since our first few days of school in August. So, when they insisted on Mexican, I caved. They also told me that there would be food I would like....they lied.

Anyway, so I ordered a taco salad (I like taco salad...just not Mexican taco salad) and ate my way through it...

Soon after we sit down to eat, Catherine asks us if we watched Oprah the night before. No, we say, and then she tells us about the show which was about adopting girls from China. At first, I thought, great! She is going to adopt! But no...she has a different agenda.

At the end of her story, she says something about "have you thought about adopting a Chinese baby?" I explain to her that yes I have thought about it and at one point that was my plan. I go on to explain that it is no difficult for singles to adopt from China because of the quotas and waiting lists and that I still want to have a child from birth and that trying to conceive is what is really in my heart at the moment.

This doesn't stop her. She continues and tells me about how there are children in these horrible, pathetic situations that need "saving" and that I should think of them...You know, I have read in others' blogs about people saying these things, but I had never until then come across it...I didn't know how to respond, so I ignored her warped view of adoption and explained once again my desire to conceive.

Next she is on a rampage about diseases and special needs children and how you never know what you are going to have when you give birth...at this point I am getting really frustrated, she obviously has on her agenda today to dissuade me, which is not going to work, it only strains our relationship. The majority (75%?) of our lunch was spent going back and forth about adoption. When I explained that I have looked into adoption and accumulated probably about 20 adoption packets at home and have even selected an agency if I am not succesful at TTC, she once again insists that I must go overseas...there are babies in Asia, in Africa, in Russia, etc....What can she not understand about the simple fact that I want a baby from birth??!!

What an absolutely horrific lunch...I should have known better when I was bullied into going for Mexican....