A Single Woman's Journey To Motherhood


Location: Washington, United States

I began my TTC journey in January 2005. It finally worked with the 5th IUI and along came Eliana! I started trying for a second (T42) a little over a year later, and was thrilled to get pregnant on the second try this time. Jacob soon joined our family! Not sure if I am done at two, but come along for my journey in motherhood. If you stop by, please leave me a short note! I like to know when I have visitors. :)

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Blasts from the past..

A couple days ago I had a dream of people I haven't seen in over 10 years. I don't remember a lot of it, but I remember it left me with such a warm fuzzy feeling. I was visiting with the mother of four children I babysat for years and two of her sons (the youngest and middle son). It was so great to see them grown up, though I also really wanted to see the oldest son who was only three years younger than me and the youngest child, the daughter, who wasn't even born when I began babysitting these kids. I saw the mom this Christmas very briefly. She told me that the oldest and youngest sons are now married, the middle son has a baby on the way (not married), and the daughter is 16. (16?! has it REALLY been that long! LOL). I am so curious to catch up with her again this summer when I go to visit my folks. I need to see what these boys look like now, and if they look like they did in my dream. :)

This morning, I fought with my alarm clock as I really didn't want to get up. But, I eventually did and popped into the shower. As I was shampooing my hair, I heard the phone ring. It was 7:15 in the morning and I decided the phone call was either a) the friend I was about to go visit cancelling our lunch, or b) someone had died. I mean, who calls at 7:15 am on a Saturday??? LOL. I also decided since I was in the shower with shampooey hair that I probably couldn't get to the phone in time, and I could call back person a or b. When I finished my shower, I immediately went to check my messages and, another blast from the past, my ex-boyfriend had called. Though we were still friends, I think anyway, we hadn't talked in a couple months and I had no idea he would be calling (and especially not at 7:15 am!). Anyway, I was sad to have missed his call since I don't have his phone number (something about girlfriend gets jealous when I call). I hope he calls back, if for no other reason than to torture myself. You see, I have moments of reminescence where I think of how happy I was in that relationship. Don't get me wrong, there are reasons we broke up (though for the life of me, I don't really remember them..LOL), and there are definitely things that would bug me if this was someone I spent my life with.....but....I guess that is just lonely single girl talking, who knows. Despite all this, I do enjoy talking with him and consider him a friend.

After, checking on the phone call, eating and checking email, I thought about leaving for my trip to Vancouver to visit a friend, her husband and daughter (almost 2). But, I thought, if I leave now, I will get there way too early and then what will I do. So, I blogged about last night, and finally left around 8:30. Of course, I then realized I had to stop for gas and grab a coffee. All was still going well until I arrived at the border. There were two lines, one about 8 cars shorter than the other. I chose the shorter line and regretted it for the next hour. The readerboard said that the estimated wait time was 35 minutes. That must have been averaging my one hour wait with the 15 minute wait in the other line. I am so serious. They were many times when 6, 7 cars would go through on the other lane, whilst my lane admitted only one. I finally made it to her house at 12ish...only about 30 minutes late, so I guess it wasn't the end of the world. We had a wonderful lunch at Milestones and then the husband went back to the apartment to put the daughter down for a nap. We went to my favourite bookstore in Vancouver, Kidsbooks and then for coffee. We had some great chats over coffee and the time got away from us, and we ended up being about 40 minutes late to the car...and I got a ticket for 45 dollars??!!! HOLY COW! In any case, I had a great time and dropped her back off at her apartment and headed home. Border crossing was fine, the readerboard said 20 minutes, I waited 14. But, we hit construction and it still took me about 3 hours to get home...

Finally, as I was approaching my city, I was so tired of being in the car, I was just flipping through radio stations aimlessly looking for anything that would excite me, and my old favourite radio station from Victoria delivered. I was so thrilled to be belting out the words to one of my favourite drinking/partying songs, Roadhouse Blues, that I was able to end my day on a wonderful note.

Dinner, games, and other stuff

Last night I had a friend come over for dinner. I love to cook when there is some to eat with me and I roasted a chicken accompanied by broccoli salad (you may recall my addiction to this last summer), fruit salad, green salad, corn, rolls, and carrot cake. It was a relatively healthy meal and I think we both enjoyed it. Of course, I had food made for like 6 people as opposed to 2, so I sent her home with lots of leftovers. :)

After dinner, we played some board games. A couple rounds of Sequence and Boggle. I love games. It was a good night. :)

At one point during the evening, we discussed my TTC plans. In the past, I have always said 6 months to a year (I was hoping that would include 6-12 cycles..) is all I would try. I still believe that for the most part, but after she left, I began to really think what that meant. I am already on to 150 mgs Clomid next cycle. I think that highest dosage is 200, so that means I have only two more attempts with Clomid. Of course, if we get me to begin ovulating at either of those, then we continue there....but I have my doubts. I had always thought I was OK with moving on to injectables...but what if they don't work either? I mean, injectables are like $2000 a cycle in medication costs...plus the IUI. Do I really want to/can I really afford to do injectable cycles?

Last night, as we were talking, I said I would not do IVF. The truth is, in the past, I had no issues with doing IVF. But my reasoning last night was so sound (in my opinion). I told her, doing IVF costs 10,000 +, and that is already more than half the cost of a domestic adoption...But the same could be said about, say, 5 injectable cycles...

I don't know. I just don't know.

Off to Vancouver now to visit a friend and her two year old daughter.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Back from day 14 ultrasound and..

..There was nothing worth measuring . Rings of miniscule follicles (typical PCOS) on each ovary. As I was watching my BBT chart this month, I have been thinking it looks anovulatory, so not too surprising. My RE suggested starting Provera now and just moving forward to my next cycle. Exactly what I hope to hear when there is no response (of course, I would prefer to have a great response!) I had the option of waiting for O and trying another IUI then, but she seemed to think it was best to just move on. She also said if we were going to do it that way (wait for my usual O late in cycle), that there was no point in using Clomid and all the ultrasounds..good point.

So I am starting my Provera today and next cycle I am up to 150mgs Clomid.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Freecycle, ebay, and other things

This is my midwinter break. In fact, this is my last midwinter break since we voted it out this year for at least the next 5 years.

I think I mentioned earlier my long list of cleaning to be done during the break. I did finally get a good start on that on Tuesday. I spent the entire day on Tuesday cleaning my bedroom. You see, when I moved into this house, my dresser broke. I bought a new dresser that arrived beginning of November, and then there was leadership retreat, a visit from my parents, ESL classes, Christmas break (I went home to visit my parents), grad school began and life was over. My clothes have never made it into the dressers. So this meant that I had clothes in huge piles on top of the dressers, in baskets, on the floor, in suitcases, all over the place. Finally, it was midwinter break, I am nearing the end of my masters, and I decided, something must be done.

So, on Tuesday, I began to take every piece of clothing that was not hung up in the closet, and wash it. My plan was to wash everything, sort and put away. I worked the entire day Tuesday right up until I went over to some relatives house for dinner. I did probably 7 loads of laundry on Tuesday, maybe more. Then on Wed., I resumed. I did another 5-7 loads I think. On Wed, I had lots of assignments due too, so that occupied more of my time. Today is Thursday, and there is maybe one or two more loads to go.

Now is the fun part. Now, I need to reduce all the clothes, of which I have WAY too many, so that I can get everything into the dressers and closets. I have already filled up one dresser, and have one more to go...Of course, the ultimate goal is then to empty out the broken dresser which is sprawled out on the nursery floor...LOL.

Anyway, so this is where freecycle and ebay come in. A friend pointed me to freecycle a month or two ago. These are my first transactions. Already, someone was supposed to come last night to pick up something and didn't. Hopefully the next person in line is more responsible. I actually have three items being picked up today and tomorrow.

And, I have started listing clothes on ebay. So far, I have listed 17, 2 of which already have bids. I am not looking to make much money. It would be great if I did, but I have listed them pretty much at the lowest I could to cover the listing and final fees.

I am kinda pooped out today. I know I need to finish my bedroom, but I just had never in my wildest dreams, thought it would have taken me three days. Obviously I will not be getting to the nursery, craft room, or extra bedroom during this break...I pray that by the time spring break rolls around, my room is still in order so I can tackle those.

Well, I suppose I need to get to work. I also need to clean the obvious areas today (kitchen, bathroom, living room) as I have a friend coming over for dinner tomorrow. Of course, I am relatively good at keeping up those areas that can be "seen" so that shouldn't be too bad.

Tomorrow is my day 14 ultrasound. I don't know why, but I am not feeling too optimistic...

Monday, February 21, 2005


If you read through the comments of my last post, you read about the new women's ministries starting up at my church called "g-groups". G as in girlfriends. Actually, I think they started in January (or at least that was the first time I noticed them...I hadn't been attending too regularly in December though...)

Anyway, so Sunday after I was still so depressed about not knowing anyone at church still, I took a very brave step for me, and I emailed the contact ladies for two of the groups: Gamin' Gals which get together for board games, and Patterns of Grace which is a quilting group.

I received a reply from the Gamin' Gals lady this evening. She said that they have been cancelled due to lack of interest. :( That sucked. She also suggested I join one of the other groups and that I attend the Women's Conference which happens to fall on the only weekend that I actually have plans for the entire weekend. (a local quilt show and the Lakeside rummage sale) At the bottom of her email she had a link for a website called Christian Adopt or something to that effect. I followed the link and was encouraged to read that there was a single woman (with four adopted kids!) and a single man on this list. In the past, my experience with all the Christian agencies was that they did not accept singles except for special needs/international adoptions. I was so encouraged that I write her back and even told her, in brief, my story. That I started off looking into adoption and am now pursuing donor insemination. I don't know what prompted me to do that, but I did. I will be curious to see if she writes me back again.

I have not heard from the Patterns of Grace lady.

Today on the drive home from class (it's about a 45 minute drive), I was really thinking about my feeling alone out here. I was thinking pretty seriously about moving back to where my parents live...it is an interesting idea, but not one I think I will pursue. At least not while TTC as I would have to drive three hours to the fertility clinic...BUT, the good thing would be that I would get a year maternity leave, partially paid, as opposed to no paid leave here at all.....Of course, there is a reason I didn't try too hard to find a job out there....I hate the winter....so, I really don't see this happening.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Long day of nothing..

LOL. Yep, that is right. My very first day of midwinter break, and I have done nothing. Well, that is not ENTIRELY true. I did sweep and mop the floors (well..just the hard floors, not the carpeted ones). But that is about it. I still have my nice long list and hope that I will get busy on it tomorrow.

I did spend a considerable amount of time today church shopping on the net....again. I know that I am partially to blame with my shyness, but I just feel that after attending a church for 6+ months, I should know SOMEBODY's name, and SOMEBODY should talk to me. Is that really too much to ask??

My church shopping really did not turn up many options. I found the church I was originally going to try out when I moved to this house. But their contemporary service doesn't start until 9:45, and I have quite enjoyed going at 9. I find that if it is much later, I get busy doing something and don't make it. Well, I may try it anyway after I am doing my Master's and therefore have less reading and papers to do.

The church shopping is rather limited because I really do not enjoy very "traditional" services. I was raised in the Lutheran church and have nothing against them, but I like the upbeat music with the hand clapping, something that I have never found in a lutheran church. I generally choose Pentecostal or non-denominational churches, though I did attend a baptist church (with nice contemporary music) when in Maple Ridge. I enjoyed that church as they had a single woman's bible study that I got involved with and met people through.

The truth is, I have had absolutely no luck here in WA with churches. I left one church because it occured to me one day that after 6+ months, I was sitting in a pew completely alone. Not one other person in the church was sitting alone but me. I almost started crying right there (and did rather uncontrollably on the way home). That was the last time I went to that church. The funny thing is that about 6 months AFTER I left that church, they started sending me invitations to women's groups and young adult (which I am too old for) events. They still do...I suppose I could try them again, but the feeling of sitting alone (and it wasn't just that week..it was most weeks) is still very fresh in my mind.

The church I have been attending now is slightly better. There is usually someone else in my row, but near the other end, and apart from the shake hands and greet part of the service, noone talks to me still. I went once to the single's bible study when it was on Saturday nights (now it is happening Sundays during the 9:00 service...my preferred service). Everyone had kids but me, most were divorced and none my age (they were probably late30s - 50). The whole reason I have seeked out churches with singles groups is because it is too painful to be the only single childless person amidst a crowd of marrieds with kids. I never went back.

So, you see, I have a dilemma. I just don't know what to do/where to go. I really want to meet people and make friends and be a sociable human being...LOL. But I just don't know how. If you have any suggestions on churches in the area, let me know.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Scratch that..

OK. You can ignore my last post. It turns out her husband wasn't able to get Tuesday off so it just wasn't worth the 15 hour drive each way for two days.

I hate to see it, but I was half relieved. I would be running around like a mad woman if I wanted to get this house ready for 5 guests (including three children ages 2, 5, and 8).

Of course, I am also disappointed because it is fun to have visitors and I don't get many (ryan...I am expecting a visit this summer while you are in Van!)

In other news...

Today was a non-student day. We had a meeting in the morning that amazingly ended EARLY and I got to work on marking my 130 tests for the rest of the day. I put in about an hour and a half marking before the meeting (I got there at my usual 6...meeting started at 730) and then a good 5 hours after the meeting...and I finally finished at almost exactly 2:00, the time school "ends". I am technically supposed to stay at school until 2:20 but I figure I put in so much extra time in the morning that I didn't feel the least bit bad about packing up and running out of there. I am thrilled that I won't have to go back to school over break, except to pick up my textbook that I forgot.

Tonight was my last night on Clomid. I didn't have any symptoms this month. Well, I still have my heavy arm thing in the shower in the mornings...this is really weird. But it doesn't make me sick to my stomach like it did that first time. I was also extremely exhausted...but that is nothing new. I would have loved hot flashes, especially in my classroom which is 60 degrees at its warmest...I worry that my lack of symptoms means that it didn't work again, but I have to wait another week for my cd14 ultrasound to see if there is anything growing.

And finally, some really not so good news. My blood sugars have been high this past week, and wacky last week. Last week I think I had three (out of 6) that were above the 140 two hours after meals, and this week I have had every one so far above...in the 170s. I am hoping it is the Clomid and will go down next week. If not, I guess I need to go see the doctor...praying that it is fine, but worried it is not. :(

Well, I have a nice long cleaning list for this week off as well as my regular school assignments and tv watching and game playing etc...should be a full week!:)

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Surprise Visitors!

I got a call this evening that my friend is thinking of coming down on Friday night for the long weekend...surprise! I am thrilled to have visitors as this happens so very rarely and it will help me keep my mind off of whether my follicles are growing and prevent me from obsessively peeing on sticks when it is just plain obviously too early for O..

...but you may not hear much from me until after they leave...I am going to have to get really busy around here to be ready for a family of five!

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Quick Post

I just got home after a long day. A good day, though. :)

You may have noticed that last evening, AF finally decided to show her face. At 2:00 am she returned with a vengeance. Cramping worse than my good old high school days (and those were pretty bad). I was in so much pain, I eventually gave in and took an aleve so I could get more sleep.

When I finally got up for real, I had planned to write at least one of my papers before heading out for the door, only to realize that I had left everything I needed at school. So, instead, I just wasted time watching tv and catching up on emails.

This afternoon was the monthly SMC meeting. I didn't make it to last month's meeting because it was being held at a coffeeshop and I thought I would find that more difficult to socialize. (I am way too shy in big groups of people I don't know...) So, this was only my second meeting. I recognized many (most really) of the faces there from the previous meeting and got to meet a woman on one of my online buddy groups. I had a great time and left wondering again why it is that I get so nervous to go to these things. LOL. :)

At 2:00, I excused myself and ran back to the school to pick up the material I needed to write my papers. I also quickly marked two classes' assignments and then headed down to my aunt's.

My aunt has prepared baked goods for the teen shelter once a month for years, but is now having difficulty doing it because of the Parkinson's. So, I helped her decorate all the cupcakes and then taught her and my uncle how to access some bulletin boards for Parkinson's and registered them for a couple yahoo support groups for Parkinson's. She went to a naturopath on Friday who suggested a treatment of glutathione by IV. She had wanted me to find out what others had said about it...we found that most people did not suggest she take it. She goes back to see the neurologist tomorrow...I just hope they can find a medicine that she can tolerate. It is so sad that this disease is taking over so quickly.

After we learned how to use the internet, we went out for a wonderful Chinese dinner. The place was packed...I guess people went for an early Valentine's dinner? I don't know.

Now I am back at home and need to write TWO papers. OK, one is only a page, and the other only 3 pages...but the 3 page one is a research article evaluation, and I haven't found an article to evaluate yet....I better get to work.

OH, and I start 100 mgs Clomid tomorrow night...come on little eggies!!!!

Friday, February 11, 2005

16 days past ovulation...

And still no sign of AF, and still BFN on the HPTs. The only sign I have that AF may come one day is that I was super crabby with my kids yesterday and today. But I generally have bad cramps, spotting, and bloating the day or two before AF...and none of that still.....grrrr.

I just don't know what is going on now. I have put a call into the nurse and told her I was confused and didn't know what to do. Don't know if she will call back tonight or what...Don't even think there is anything she can say other than to go in for a blood pregnancy test (BPT), but that seems silly to me when the HPTs are stark white negatives..just a waste of money. I don't think it is possible to have negative HPTs and be pregnant..maybe ONE negative HPT followed by positives, but I have probably done like 20 by now...all negative.

I really need to stay awake and head out to the school tonight. I have a student in a school play who has been hounding me about which I day I was coming to see the play, and tonight is the last night that he is performing. (they are doing the odd couple...male and female versions and tonight is the last male performance, tomorrow is the female). I want to be supportive of my kids, I just don't like going back to school at night. If only they could schedule these things right after school! LOL:)

Well, no real news. Just trying to keep Tracy happy;) LOL. (just kidding...I just want you all to know how annoyed I continue to be waiting endlessly for AF).

Edited to add:
Talked to the nurse. She said, "we don't even like you to test until 18dpo, give it two more weeks.". I explained that it was HER who told me to take the prometrium until I would expect my period and then test, WHICH I DID, it was negative, I stopped taking the prometrium and my period did not come. She told me that because I am waiting for my period to come it may be delayed. Everything I have read has said that ovulation may be delayed, but the luteal phase is rarely delayed. I told her my luteal phase is typically 8-11 days and she told me that you can't count on that now, which I expected, but at some point...I also told her that I have gone months without periods and frequently have to take Provera to have a period and she again told me to wait two more weeks and then to see my primary care physician (regular doctor). I was really quite annoyed as it seemed to me like she found me to be just a nuisance...

You know, I like my RE, but the rest of the staff are driving me bonkers..I may be changing clinics very very soon.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Still waiting...

Still waiting for AF...rather impatiently now. I stopped the progesterone Sunday evening...AF should be here by now. Where in the heck is she????

(And yes, I have continued testing to be sure...still BFN.)

Sunday, February 06, 2005

BFN (big fat negative)s

If you have been monitoring my chart, you know that I have been obsessively peeing on sticks again. Each one has been a clear negative, not even the slightest hint of a faint line...

On the other hand, if you have been following the temps on my chart, you will also notice that I have, as Fertility Friend calls it, a "possibly triphasic chart", which can indicate pregnancy.

And yet, on one more hand (don't you wish you had three hands???), I have been religiously taking my Prometrium every 12 hours as directed, and we all know that the temp rise after ovulation is caused by the rise in progesterone levels, so my rise might just be that.

All this to say, I don't know. In my gut, I don't think it worked this cycle and I just want to get going on the next cycle..I am supposed to hold out until Tuesday to test (both according to Fertility friend and my nurse), so I will test once more Tuesday morning with FMU (first morning urine) and if negative, stop the Prometrium and expect AF soon...

Thus ends the IUI cyle #1 update.

Thursday, February 03, 2005


Incidents like this are so few and far between, particularly in high school, that when they happen, they are that much more sweet.

So, today, at the very end of class, this student comes up to me, rather shyly and and tells me, "I was supposed to pick a teacher for Teacher Appreciation night tomorrow at the basketball game, and I picked you."


Of course, now that means I have to go to the basketball game tomorrow night, but still...that was sweet. :)

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Got it finally

This morning I called the clinic right at 8:00 to talk to someone. Of course, the nurses weren't even there yet, so I left another voice mail.

At lunch, I checked my phone messages (there weren't any), and then called the pharmacy again and they had my order!!! YEAH!

After school, I had a bunch of kids who had been out at an FBLA conference who had to make up a quiz so as I was biding my time, I checked my phone messages again and the nurse had called and said she had ordered the prescription last night...seems fishy, but I have no reason not to believe her I guess since I gave up on Costco at 5.

Finally I got all the kids out at 3 and headed to Costco to buy 40 Prometrium pills for a whopping 94.79. Apparently Costco has cheap Clomid...but not prometrium.

I got home and read the insert which says take orally. And then I read the bottle which says take vaginally...and I am like what the heck??!! These are pills??!! Anyway, I did a google search and apparently someone people do take them the "other way" LOL, so here's hoping they work. :)

The nurse actually called again around 5:30 just to check that I had gotten my prescription and her phone message. She also thinks it may be too late for this cycle but worth a try. So, I will stay on it until next Wed I think which would be 14dpo. I am tempted to just let things go and get AF sooner to start the next cycle...but I just can't give out that little tiny speck (it really is very small...LOL) of hope that despite all the things that went wrong this cycle, it may have worked. (especially given my chart...have you seen it??? it is linked at the top of the page and it looks pretty promising)

Well, it is 8:30 and I have been wanting to go to bed since 6 LOL..so have a good night everyone!:)

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

how frustrating!!

OK. So yesterday I was at the clinic for the last of my three blood draws for the progesterone pool test. I asked how I got the results, and they said I had to make an appointment. So, I try to make an appointment for the next day (today), and all doctors are out except my doctor who is booked solid. The guy trying to book the appointment for me says he will talk to the doctor and call me back.

I go to my class and when I get home at 8, there are no messages. He didn't call.

So, I plan to call this morning right at 8 when they open, but the French teacher is away and they can't get a sub and I have to cover her class. (oh...let me sidetrip here to vent about the message I received from her last night. She sends me a message saying that her husband is going to make this room his office. The room in question is a planning room where many of us have a cubicle each, and was my only office the last two years since I didn't have an actual classroom to call my own. No problems with him being there at all..but the reason she calls is that she wants me to move all of my stuff so he can have my desk. Here is my issue: 1) I am way over in the boonies and we are all hoping I can get a room up near the rest of them at some point since I share supplies with them, and 2) they each have their own desk and I don't see why they need them with their own classrooms there. and 3) one of them, the ASL teacher, now has taken over four desks...cut her back to one, and give him one. I am royally annoyed).

Anyway, back to the problem at hand. Once I finish covering her class, I go back to my room and finally get a chance to call the clinic at lunch (10:40). I get the receptionist who also tells me there are no openings and that she will ahve to talk to the doctor and see if she can get me in sometime this WEEK??!!! I tell her, this isn't acceptable, I am sure that my progesterone is low and that I need supplementation or any potential embryo will be gone in a day or two when AF arrives...She will "look into it" and call me back.

I check my home messages and the guy I spoke to the day before has called back. Yes my progesterone is low, and I need to give a pharmacy phone number to my doctor's nurse so they can order a prescription. Yeah! This makes sense! So, I call, and talk to the nurse. They will order and I can pick it up after work.

School ends at 2:00 and I decide to call the pharmacy to see if they have my order. Nope. I say I will call back in an hour and a half. I call back at 3:30. No order.

I call the clinic and ask to speak with the nurse again. She is busy and I leave a message on the voice mail. A very pathetic message I might add...LOL..pleading her to please call in the order before it is too late...

And now....the waiting game. Will I get my prometrium in time?? Costco closes at 7 I think.....

Edited to add: I called the clinic at least 5 times this afternoon...every time the nurse was busy. I left two voice mails..they were never returned. I also called the pharmacy about 4 times, and the prescription was not ordered. The last time I called the clinic, I got an answering service so the clinic is officially closed.

I went to Walgreens and picked up some over-the-counter progesterone cream. It is obviously not nearly the strength of dose that I need...but hoping something for one night is better than nothing.
Will try to track down the prescription again tomorrow. How frustrating.