One summer class down...

And one more to go. (of course I also need to finish another class, but I prefer to forget about that).

What a week. The AP institute was really very challenging for me. Understand that I was finished studying Spanish in 1997, and then used French exclusively for the next 4-5 years. I lost the majority of my Spanish vocabulary and even some of the more advanced grammar. Then, I got a job here teaching first and second year Spanish. Slowly, things have been coming back to me, but only up to a certain point...Then imagine throwing me, with my basic Spanish abilities into a classroom for teachers of the Advanced Placement Spanish language course. It was very challenging. The first day, I felt completely overwhelmed and even toyed with the idea of not coming back for the rest of the week. I am glad I did go back as the other days were much better and such a great opportunity for me to rediscover my Spanish abilities beyond first year (I only taught first year this year)...LOL.

During this stressful and demanding week, there was some controversy I see in my last post. I am seriously considering no longer allowing anonymous posts. I will make my decision when I come back from Canada, but I am thinking about it. It is not to silence your voice, but there are definite times when I would like to put a name (or face if I know you) to a comment. Somehow that seems only fair while I pour out my heart and soul on this blog.

Last week was a very exciting one for a fellow blogger friend of mine, Cubbiegirl. She was chosen to be the mom of a little girl in foster care!! I have been so happy for her and cry (happy tears) daily as I read her accounts of first meeting her daughter and getting to know her. I know that one day soon I will meet my child, no matter how s/he comes into my life, and this has been such a beautiful source of inspiration and hope.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone! I am sure I will post, but just in case I don't, have a wonderful Canada Day and Fourth of July! I will be heading to Canada for my cousin's wedding.

Sad...

I know I have talked about it before, so forgive me for repeating myself, but it sucks to not have any friends here.

When I changed churches in April I think it was, I had such high hopes that I would make friends. I still find this church friendlier than the other, but I have yet to make any friends who sit with me at church, or call me on the phone or whatever. Today I am doubly sad because it appears that our little singles small group is shutting down. The last couple of times there was just me and two or three other people (usually the host and his girlfriend and maybe one other girl), and then tonight we were supposed to meet, but when I emailed the guy whose house it was at, he said he is no longer having group at his house. I suspect that is the end of that. Now I feel like I have no hope for making friends here again...

Do you ever...

Do you ever get so overwhelmed by a messy room that you are frozen by fear when you enter the room?

LOL OK, so maybe it isn't THAT bad, but it feels like it. I really want to clean out my craft room so that I could maybe...I don't know, CRAFT, but I am so overwhelmed every time I look in here I have no idea where to begin. I tried the crossing my arms and tipping my nose, unfortunately, I am not a witch. LOL.

I am so bad with too much free time with nothing that MUST be done in the immediate future...I do nothing. I need to go to school and clean my desk, it must be done by the end of next week sometime. I should get my ESL internship portfolio put together so I can send that off and that will be done...I should finish my ProCert culminating seminar junk (please replace with any expletive you prefer), I have lots of cleaning to do (though I did a very good kitchen floor cleaning yesterday...I don't know what brought that about)...and yet, I wander around the house thinking...what should I do, and getting nothing done. Sigh...such is my summer life...I did briefly think that I should walking on a trail somewhere. I mean, that sounds fun, right? But then just as quickly I decided I really don't know where to go and would rather do it with someone...

In other news, I had my IUI yesterday. For the first time ever, the nurse (one of the nice ones..) actually found my cervix all on her own. In the process, she managed to scrape it or something though so there was a bit of bleeding, but she assured me that it wouldn't affect my chances of conception. I felt very positive about this cycle and left the clinic with a big grin on my face. LOL. I decided to consider myself PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). But then this morning, my temp did not jump up hardly at all and I was a bit bummed....so I guess we shall see.

Anniversaries

It is easy to remember this date of anniversaries after my couple years living in Quebec...today is St. Jean Baptiste.

Today is one year since I quit smoking....this is quite the accomplishment for me, I have not had one cigarette since June 24th, 2004. I do still think sometimes that it would be nice to sit down and have a smoke, but it is becoming more and more rare. Also, I have become incredibly sensitive to smoke. This morning I went out for breakfast and had a very hard time with the smoke...and there was only one person smoking way over on the other side (the smoking side) of the restaurant.

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of this blog as well. I have come so far in this one year...from planning how to finance an adoption, to getting my hopes up about adopting distant relatives' baby boys, to thinking about trying to conceive on my own, to actually beginning inseminations, to an early miscarriage, and now, this afternoon, going in once more for an IUI...what a year!

Follicle check

Back from my ultrasound. Today was the day of 1s...I certainly hope that 1 is my lucky number. LOL. I had one dominant follicle, which was 21mm on the right. I had one not dominant follicle at 11mm on the left. I had a lining of 10.1. Hopefully all those ones add up to something. ;) Got my trigger (after waiting for 45 minutes...) and will have my IUI tomorrow afternoon. I am happy that once again it will be about 28-29 hours post HCG, happy because it worked last time (even if it was only briefly).

I also scheduled my HSG for next cycle to ensure I could get an appointment and was happy to find an available opening with my RE. Of course, I hope that I can cancel this appointment. :) I also picked up my "calendar" for my injectable cycle and see here that I will be doing PIO (progesterone in oil) after the ovulation...I had hoped that I would just be able to continue with my prometrium...so that sucks as that will mean if I am successful, I will have to continue injections for 2 months or so...

I shouldn't have...

I just finished watching Hotel Rwanda. I wanted to see the movie and thought I would be fine, I mean, it was rated PG-13. The movie was well done, I will say that. However, it was way too difficult for me to watch. I had a Rwandan friend once and I thought of her throughout the movie...(I should email her one day, but what would I say?)

I can't even write a blog entry right now...it was too much for me. I am trying to watch some light comedic sit coms before I go to bed...but I can't really concentrate...

The Plan

The nurse called me back today to go over my "calendar" for my Follistim cycle. She seemed very confused by the fact that we were looking ahead to the next cycle when we didn't know if this one would work or not...That didn't make sense to me. I would think that you have to plan ahead for involved cycles like this. In any case, here is the plan:

CD1 call the clinic. Schedule baseline ultrasound. Order meds.
CD2 or CD3 baseline ultrasound CD3 evening begin meds.
CD8 come in for follow up ultrasound and E2 blood draw (this actually will probably end up being the same day of my HSG).
continue with blood tests and ultrasound until follicles reach 15mm (seems small...).
HCG trigger.
IUI 36-42 hours later. Seems late (the 36 sounds OK..but 42 seems late...maybe I will ask if I can do two IUIs?)

So yeah, I am a little worried about two things. First, 15mm seems small for triggering...this last cycle they weren't happy when one was 20mm and the other 17mm, we waited one more day. Second, over 36 hours post HCG trigger sounds a bit too late for me...I have been having the IUI between 24-30 hours post trigger, and have always ovulated on that day. (of course, no way to know at what time during that day...)

Injections Class

So I went to my injectables class this afternoon. We learned how to do all sorts of injections, premixed things like Lupron and powders like Repronex, and the Follistim pen. It took about an hour, and most was irrelevant to me, at least I thought so. But when she went to talk about the Follistim pen she said something about the fact that I didn't have to worry about this, and I was like what? that is the ONLY drug I am using...So, now I really have no idea what I am taking. I will have to ask the RE during my ultrasound...she may not be happy since I was supposed to make an appointment with the nurse, but the scheduler wouldn't let me, said to just talk to the injections class teacher...how frustrating. Anyway, so I am now well practiced in all sorts of injections.

There was only one couple there (the other two women were married though I think, their husbands just didn't come to the class). The husband there went back and forth between being very funny and a little annoying. He wanted to know the reason/potential hazard of EVERYTHING. But then when they were talking about the PIO and HCG shots (intramuscular shots), the nurse said that they can draw on the woman while at the clinic an area in which to give the shot. The husband was quite worried about his wife and was asking about how long it was going to last, because "I don't want you to have an oval tattoo there, honey" We all cracked up.

Anyway, that was my injections class. After class, I had an hour and a half drive back in horrible traffic...and now I just finished making my second batch of cookies. (I started this my first year teaching and somehow the kids always know about it and expect it every year...)

Half day left of school! A day and a half to my ultrasound!

Dr. PAIN is leaving!!!

Oh, I am just so thrilled to report that Dr. PAIN is moving to Texas. :) I don't know what possessed me to look at my clinic's website, but I did, and there she was, listed as a fellow. So she wasn't yet quite an RE...in any case, there are two new fellows joining the clinic, one next month and one in November. Hopefully they will be a little more skilled with the speculum.

I have my injections class tomorrow in preparation for my injectable cycle in July. I am still hoping I will get pregnant this month and get to avoid that (and the HSG)...will find out if there are even any follicles on Thursday. I don't feel really confident about follicles as I had horribly sharp ovarian pain around cd5 or so, and nothing since then...

Farewells

A quick post tonight to say farewell to the class of 2005. Now that I have taught at this school for three years, graduations are getting more and more personal to me as I watch students I taught sometimes for two or three years moving on to new and exciting times in their lives. I seem to get a little more emotional each year and thankfully, I seem to get a few more hugs from teary-eyed students...

It is official, the class of 2005 of my high school has graduated this evening. May they always follow their dreams.

4 more days!!!

Yes, I am absolutely thrilled to report that there are only four more (albeit long with a lot of work to do) days before my summer vacation! YEAH!!

As a celebration of sorts, I relaxed with a nice glass of red wine this evening...the first in who knows how long...months though. It was absolutely refreshing.

Also in preparation for summer, I signed up with Blockbuster for their DVD rental program. I had given Netflix a trial run a while back and it was nice, but Blockbuster was cheaper (for the 3DVDs) and included two free in store rentals a month, so it seemed the way to go. I signed up on Tuesday evening and received my first DVDs this afternoon. I can finally catch up on all the movies that everyone is talking about...if you have suggestions, please let me know. In the past three years, I have rented possibly 8 videos and seen perhaps 4 movies in the theatre...I am so out of touch. :)

I assume my cycle is progressing well...I had very sharp ovarian pain on Tuesday, I hope that was a couple follicles starting to grow. The Clomid is really kicking my butt this cycle with hot flashes...I keep running outside to cool off. LOL. Ultrasound a week from today to see if it was worth it (if there are any follicles). :)

FOUR MORE DAYS!!!!

I'd forget my head...

I swear I would forget my head if it wasn't attached...

I went to Costco this afternoon because there was a coupon for a vcd/dvd player combo thing that was like 25 dollars off and therefore only came to like 75 dollars or something like that and I thought I could used that for school.

Yesterday I went to the market to pick up some fruit and veggies and found pitas on sale so thought I would make souvlaki tonight once I bought tzatziki at Costco.

I went to Costco. I bought the dvd/vcr thing. I forgot to use the coupon. I forgot to buy tzatziki...

Oh man, somehow I must make it through these next 7 days and finish grades! LOL

On the TTC front, I started my Clomid yesterday. I was actually quite leery about it thinking, well, what if I didn't lose the baby...I mean, sure I had AF, but it wasn't really that heavy or anything, and I know of women who bleed throughout pregnancy (in my extended family even, you may recall the second baby last summer...). So, I took an HPT to reassure me it was OK to take the Clomid...but I SWEAR it was very faintly positive. I had a little panic and didn't know what I should do, but in the end, I decided my RE was just so sure that it was over, and my number was really really low (I think it was 6...at betabase the lowest beta at 16dpo that achieved a live birth was 5 I think...so the odds were stacked against us), so I am trusting her and I began the Clomid. Now, I am just trying to focus on growing some nice new follicles!

ETA: I am finding it weird to think that I had a miscarriage...does that seem strange? I mean, I know that technically, I did, but on the other hand, most women would never have even known..I mean, I was like one day late I think, that was it...I go back and forth on this...happy that something is at least working somewhat, sad that it didn't last, worried that I need to figure out what to do to hold on to the next one, and sometimes I get excited about this next cycle and next opportunity, and then I feel kind of guilty, like I should be more sad over the last one...it is all so confusing.

Still emotional...

You may recall that earlier this week, I was feeling quite emotional. Looking back at it, I could possibly attribute it to the chemical pregnancy? Who knows...anyway, I am still quite emotional today. Songs on the radio made me cry both going to and coming home from school...Yesterday, I was all happy that there was fertilization, but today I just keep thinking how sad it is that I was briefly pregnant (even though I didn't know it until after it was too late)...

A little positive ?

Wow, what a long week it has been.

At school, I feel like I just can't get caught up and there are only eight days to get my act together! YIKES!

I went in for my beta on Wed as you all know. I didn't get a call back until late yesterday afternoon, saying it was negative. I wasn't too surprised. AF arrived this morning and by early afternoon I was really feeling the cramping (still am, but just drugged up on Aleve).

Since AF arrived, it is day 1 and time to plan on all the exciting appointments for this cycle. So, I called the clinic this morning right when they opened and gave a list of appointments I needed to make and she said, "OK, I will call you back as we are pretty booked." What??!! This was craziness..anyway, I told her that I could really only answer the phone up until 8:25 and surprisingly she did call back. Out of the three appointments I needed to make, she made only one for me, the injections class. Apparently, there are absolutely no appointments in the afternoon for HSGs, funny since they won't let you make the appointment until you get your period?? I told her it was impossible to come in the morning because it is finals and I teach high school...There also were no appointments in the afternoon for an ultrasound on cd13. An ultrasound people!! This takes about 10 minutes. I will have to call back and say cd14 will be ok since that is the first day of summer vacation...

Anyway, so I was quite annoyed with the clinic. I told her what was the point of the injections class if I didn't have an HSG? She said she would see what she would do and call me back...that was eight hours ago.

I had a student stay after school today for help. I really was not very patient with him as I was having horrible cramps and just wanted to take some Aleve and lay down. As soon as he left, I ran out the door.

I got home just in time to receive a phone call from my RE. This is the first time I have ever spoken to my RE on the phone. I thought she was calling about trying to schedule the HSG, but she wasn't. She called to tell me that I had actually had a "little positive" result on my beta. She said it was low enough it would never have made it (although I have heard stories...), but that it meant that there was an embryo that implanted somewhere briefly. This is exciting news. She wanted to know if in light of this, I wanted to continue with our plan to do injectables. I said that yes, in light of the scheduling nightmares, I had best do some injectable cycles in the summer. We talked about the problem scheduling the HSG and she said that 1) I could do an injectable cycle without the HSG if I wanted but that she thought that 2) I should just have the HSG with the next cycle.

So, woohoo! I can make embryos! Woohoo, I get to avoid the HSG one more month!

Now back to my marking...

16dpo

Yep, it is 16dpo, and I went in for my beta this afternoon. When I was walking over to the little place they take your blood, my RE was standing there and she was like, "oh, is it positive?". Of course, I had to tell her that no, everything had been negative but I just wanted to be sure...

Although, I didn't take any prometrium all day, so that goes to show how much I really believe this cycle is over...maybe I won't insist on the betas after all...we will see. Anyway, they are supposed to call and leave a message on my home phone sometime tomorrow with the result.

About a week ago, I received a bill in the mail for the blood I had drawn the day I got my trigger shot. They were billing me for all of the labs even though I had technically paid them when I was here that day (except for one where she screwed up and charged me 7 dollars instead of 70...that one I understood being charged for). Anyway, when I went to pay for my beta (75 dollars...doesnt seem worth it at 16dpo...it might at 14 though...), I had them look into it...and you may recall something about me not paying for that trigger shot last time? Yeah, so that is where all the money I had paid went, and that is why I was billed for the labs...so it did come back to haunt me after all. LOL.

I am feeling pretty emotional and down today. This often accompanies the arrival of AF (though I can feel emotional and down other times too, so it is not a sign per se...). Anyway, so I was really not too happy to receive an email from a lifelong friend (who reads this blog, so I apologize now, but must say it) who will be on this side of the world this summer, but finds it a "nightmare" to try and find time to get together when we will be two hours away as opposed to on separate continents...Actually, the truth is, this summer I have two friends who live on different continents that will be on this one this summer (and about 2-3 hours away at some point during their stay) and will not have time to meet...Yeah, I feel pretty friendless tonight...

Excuse me while I go cry over my marking...

IUI #4 update

Well, I see that some of you are getting antsy. :) LOL. I did actually respond in the comment section to your questions, but here is the latest:

On 10dpo, I took a FRER. It was negative, but I thought maybe just maybe there was a very very faint pink line. I figured I was probably willing it to be there and decided to just record it as BFN.

12dpo, I take a internet cheapie, and BFN.

This morning, 13dpo, I took another FRER and this time it was absolutely BFN.

So, unfortunately, I am really thinking this cycle was another a bust...and I will be waiting rather impatiently this week for AF since there is a small window for her to arrive that will work out for me to get my HSG done to check to see if my tubes are open...So, please encourage AF to show up on Thursday this week, or not until Monday of next week...if she shows up in between, I don't think I will be able to get the HSG unless I beg and beg the IVF doctor to do it that weekend....

I am sad this cycle didn't work...I had so much hope for my two little eggies. I know that sometimes the HSG can help clear things up and some women get pregnant that cycle or the cycle immediately following, but still I had hoped to avoid it. Of course, after my June cycle, in July I am moving on to injectables, a whole new ball game...

The brownies won..

only 8 minutes until they are done! :)

ETA: they tasted sooooooo good at the time....
but now I feel ill. LOL

Edited again to clarify: I had two brownies..there are still 14 more in the pan. Lest you think I ate the whole thing and that is why I feel sick;)

Craving brownies

I am seriously craving homemade brownies with icing....mmmm....

Do I make some? Yes or no? LOL

I will let you know what happens;)