A Single Woman's Journey To Motherhood


Location: Washington, United States

I began my TTC journey in January 2005. It finally worked with the 5th IUI and along came Eliana! I started trying for a second (T42) a little over a year later, and was thrilled to get pregnant on the second try this time. Jacob soon joined our family! Not sure if I am done at two, but come along for my journey in motherhood. If you stop by, please leave me a short note! I like to know when I have visitors. :)

Friday, August 27, 2004

Cruel Hopes part 2

I am home from a very quick visit out to Alberta.

I left Saturday morning after my dentist appointment and was pleasantly surprised to make it all the way and arrive around 1 am. Unfortunately, my parents had locked the door, gone to bed, and the doorbell doesn't work at their new house...so I had to go find a phone to wake them up and let me in.

I wasn't really expecting them to wake up other than to let me in, but we headed down to the living room to visit a bit. One of the first things my mom tells me is that my aunt had called that evening. At the funeral for a relative that day, my aunt learned of another young relative of mine (not as young as the first...this one is around 24) who had just had a baby five days before. She wasn't sure if she wanted the baby and left it at the hospital....

Again, very poor timing to tell me. I was exhausted from the 15 hour drive and wanted nothing more than a nice long sleep...I ended up sleeping maybe 2-3 hours.

Sunday my mom and I talked about it a bit, but we didn't really follow up on it...I wasn't sure what to do really. So, Monday morning, my mom and I finally call my aunt. She tells us the few details she knows and tells us to call V, the great-grandmother of the first baby. We call V and get the story.....supposedly K (not me...the relative who had this second baby) didn't know she was pregnant (?!) until her water broke. She hadn't had time to adjust to the idea of a baby and didn't know what to do so supposedly left it at the hospital while she decided.....At the end of the call V tells us we should call K's mom...I have never met K or her mom...so at that point, I decided it was just too weird to call family you don't really know and say "hey, I'll take your baby"

So that was that. We haven't heard anything else...

I spent about 2 days not sleeping well thinking about this baby. I was actually more hopefully with this one as it sounded more promising....

Anyway, I have decided that I have about a month before the fall quarter starts at university, so I need to work on the baby nursery....And I may want to think about getting my home study ready in case something like this comes up again since I have no idea what would happen if a family member wanted to give me a baby but I didn't have the home study...

I had a decent time in Alberta. I went through a gazillion boxes of things from my childhood that I had to sort and take with me or give away. I ended up taking very very little, in fact I mostly just took two boxes of toys for Baby. I did however take the accordion...hahah my parents couldn't understand why I would want the accordion.....I have pictures of why....beautiful pictures of me in a tie die shirt under a strawberry shortcake sleeping bag and Ryan with crimped hair playing the accordion....

Well, that's about it for now...I am still trying to catch up my email and the blogs I frequent. Oh, I wasn't able to maintain my 12.5...but I am not devastated, I only gained 2 pounds and that isn't the end of the world...especially since I think I could count on one hand the amount of servings of vegetables I had the entire trip (other than my drive there in which I filled up on peas and apples..) I had to bite my tongue not to say something to my mom about how I couldn't believe that I actually have been eating more vegetables than her! (anyone who knows what a picky eater I used to be would understand..)

Friday, August 20, 2004

10 pm on Friday

OK, so it is 10 pm on Friday, August 20th. Tomorrow morning I have a dentist appointment at 8:30 am and then theoretically I am leaving immediately from the dentist for my Cross Western Canada adventure to arrive in Southeastern Alberta.

How far am I along on my paper you may wonder.

I wonder too...I have 1/3 of a page, a reference list and a title page, woohoo! Yippee for me!

I have had one cup o' coffee (well..my mugs are really like two) about 20 minutes ago...trying to keep it down to only once since I need to sleep so that I don't drive off the mountain!

Alas, dear reader, I must finish my paper. Please pray that I stay awake on my 18 hour ride through the Rocky Mountains...I shall meet up with you again next week when I return.

I am also hoping that I can keep off the 12.5 pounds I have lost to this point. To someone with little to lose, that may sound like a lot, but others in my shoes likely know how disappointing 12.5 pounds in the first 5 weeks is...oh well...I promised not to worry about the number so much as long as I was losing...just let me keep it off at home (not an easy feat since my parents like to eat out a lot, and I won't be doing my beloved exercise tapes...)

OK, toodle-loo!

Update: It is 11:30 pm. I just handed in the worst paper of my life. I expect below 50%..:( But as long as I get 18/60 I should get a B- in the course...again....what happened to my 4.0??? :(
I am off to load the dishwasher and clean out the car and then head to bed...I am really gone this time folks!

Thursday, August 19, 2004

"Baby" or "a/the baby"

OK. So this came up a long time ago, near the beginning of my blogging journey. My faithful reader and supporter R asked me why do I always refer to future baby Johnson as baby, without an article in front of it.

Upon deep reflection (yeah right), I have come to this conclusion: Baby (with no article) is like a name, and names don't require articles...I wouldn't say "the R" for instance...:) Well...now that I think about it, I did have a friend once, she will remain anonymous though I will say that she lived on an island and had long (and I mean looooong) blond hair....and she did refer to some people like, Tyler for instance..as the Tyler on occassion at least.

So, yeah...that is the official name until Baby becomes a living breathing human being that I am holding in my arms. :)

Other things that happened today...

I finished my reading paper, yeah me! I think it even ended up being not too bad. I also made the last weekly module posts for my School Curriculum class.

I did nothing else..but I have sworn that I will not go to bed tonight until I have a topic and at least two resources for my last paper. Tomorrow I will need to also get my Learning with Technology application in....may I will send it off tonight. I didn't change at all from it's draft form...I wonder how much he cares? I currently have 100% in that class...but the LWT application is 200 points (out of 500)............man how do I get myself in these holes????

I read a lot of blogs today. I can't believe what some of you are going/have gone through....I was very angry about the revelations today at Chez Miscarriage...:(

On the Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) list today, I learned of a database showing women's ages/# of ICI/IUI/IVF/FET/protocols/pregnancies...That was somewhat encouraging to read through....gives me some hope as I found two PCOSers who had been successful.

Well, that is all from me for now...I must come up with a fascinating curriculum issue to write a reflective analysis....oh the fun never stops here!

Strange Dreams...

OK, so I pretty much finished my paper by about 1:30 am. I left one section that I will either fill in or take out later this morning, and then the Reading Paper is done. I also got my Research Proposal polished up and sent that in. Truth is, I only made the few changes the professor suggested, I didn't put much thought into it and don't expect a truly high grade on that...but my quiz scores should help keep that grade within the As, probably an A-. (what happened to my perfect 4.0 that I had?:(

Anyway, so in order to stay up last night I resorted to one of my old tricks. I brewed a big pot of coffee and just kept drinking and drinking. It did wake me up and help me to focus on my papers. However, it also did weird things to my body...maybe cause I put real sugar in instead of Splenda? I don't know. But I was buzzing like crazy....I rarely get that much of a buzz from coffee. That was weird. And then of course I had a very hard time getting to sleep...

But sleep I did, eventually. And I had the strangest (and kinda scary) dream. It was aboutBaby N.
For some reason, my grandma lived here in the States (and was actually related to the other side of my family??...). Anyway, so it was a Sunday and I was on my way to church, and I stopped at my grandma's house. I guess I wanted to tell her about the whole Baby N situation. So, I get there and there is this huge baby. HUGE. Anyway, turns out this is Baby N and my grandma is upset I haven't told her about the situation. Then I ask if I can hold him and she says before you do, I have something for you. She hands me a little paper that has a breakdown of $12000 that the birthparents want for baby. I look at it and pick up baby (with quite a bit of struggle trying to figure out how to take care of his neck since he is so young and yet so HUGE..I am talking like 25-30 pounds huge). I think, $12000 isn't bad for an adoption. Grandma tells me that the bdad and bmoms family really want to give baby up, but bmom doesn't. I immediately put baby down and tell her, I am not interested if bmom doesn't want to give him up. I leave (presumably for church).

Later or another day or who knows since this is a dream.....I get a call from someone (I don't remember who or it was unclear...maybe grandma, maybe bmom?) and decide to reconsider. I head over to the house and as I pick up baby, bdad (I assume) comes after me with a gun...I just keep running and running away and more and more people are firing machine guns at me.....

Then my cats start knocking at the door and I wake up. (yes they really do knock). As I wake up, I am horribly frightened still of the guns, but I think of the $12000 and how that would not have been agency/lawyer fees so that would have essentially been illegal..would have been "buying" a baby....

Very disturbing dream. If anyone is a dream interpreter, go ahead! hahah

OK, it is another day today and I am going to ignore my blog for the rest of the day and actually get work done here on the remaining two and a half papers.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Random ramblings...

I really have spent way too much time on my blog today. It appears that every minute of every day I need to be obsessing over something or another. Today it was my blog....not a good thing since I have papers to write.

I also got another undescribable urge to clean and swept and mopped the floors while listening to soaps. I wish that I would get these urges to clean every day...my house would be so clean!!! haha. Maybe I would even be unpacked;)

I have done a fairly good job today of not thinking about not thinking about Baby N. I have come to believe that this is not my baby since I have not heard back from the family...My aunt who originally asked me about it called the grandmother right after asking me and the grandmother said she would think about bringing it up with Alexis. So, I am not horribly devastated either...which I thought I might be when this whole thing began. Really, it just means my original plans are back in order..:) Of course, I will update any faithful readers if things change.

I have tried to write my paper today for my Teaching Reading class as you may have noticed. I am getting nowhere. I hate procrastinating this badly...Because of my procrastination I wasn't able to participate in the Extra Credit Forum either...something that might have made it possible for me keep my A in this class...now I am definitely looking at an A- or worse..a big fat F if I don't get this paper done. It is due tomorrow, but I have to finish tonight since I have two more assignments due tomorrow and one more big paper due on Friday....grrrr

Well, I must go. Please drop me a note if you are reading....I can use some encouragement tonight. :)


Really? There are no takers? Please re-read this post here:


Noone is ready to help this poor soul out who is about to fail this class and have to drop out of graduate school????

Why can't I get my act together?:(


So..I take my car in today to get the oil changed and the tires rotated since I am heading up to visit my parents and I don't really want to be stranded in the middle of the Coquihala or anything...

I made the mistake of mentioning that I think I needed a tune up, and not just specifying these few things...The guy looks at my mileage and convinces me I need the full maintenance thing for 60 000 miles since my car has 85000 kms...Anyway, that ends up costing 500 dollars or some craziness..

But that's not all.

Now they call and this fluid is dark, and that hose is brittle etc etc...and 900 freaking dollars later I may get my car back tonight....

Well, at least it saved me the 100 dollars (Canadian) or so it might have cost to get a tow truck on the Coquihala....craziness.

Money for Paper writers

OK, anyone out there want to write a paper on word identification and vocabulary building as it relates to foreign language teaching for me by midnight tonight? I would consider a handsome fee...

Tuesday, August 17, 2004


(if you haven't figured it out already....I was "K" in my little tale below.

Of course, I couldn't sleep last night. I started a journal for my child back in April. I wrote in it for the first time right after my mom had left as I was so excited that she was accepting of adopting and I felt like this is really going to happen. I didn't really write in it again until last night. I tried not to think of the "what ifs", but it really wasn't working. I do not think I have ever in my life had the incredible urge to clean my house....that was weird. It was kind of like what I hear about pregnant women just before they go into labour. I believe it is called "nesting". I remember the night before Alda went into labour she was cleaning until 3 am..craziness...

Anyway, (can you tell how I can't focus right now??), so I got out the journal (entitled Dreams on it...kind of like I dream of Genii except it is more like I dream of Baby). I basically just updated baby with the course of my thoughts about how he/she was going to come around and how I had decided to try to conceive before moving onto adoption. I made it clear (at least I hope I did), that no matter how he/she came I would love them and that the pregnancy part was really more for my own selfish reason of wanting to experience pregnancy. Anyway, as I was writing, I finally gave in and wrote the story about Alexis (the young relative in the story below) and how I couldn't help thinking......"is that you?"

I mean really...how do I know....maybe that is my baby that I am looking for....

So, I couldn't sleep and I may have finally drifted off around 2:30 and then it was magically 5 am and I had to get up to get ready to head to my final Introduction to Grad Research class. I had the worst time dragging myself out of bed. On my way to class, and during class, I just kept thinking....is that my baby??

Then I headed to school, which was really what this post was supposed to be about. haha. So I headed into the high school today and picked up the keys to my.....MY OWN....Classrooom! YIPPEE!!! No more carts, no more nasty anal sharing teachers...it is my very own room. Now, it is not the nicest room in the world. The teacher who had previously been in there for two years reports that air quality is poor and perhaps there are mould issues....which really kinda freaked me out about TTC and being in that room. And there is this huge space thing on the wall...I don't know what it is..it isn't painted on, but it isn't a real poster, it's almost like wall paper maybe? I don't know. And the room is tiny, and there are no outside windows, and it is next to Dr. Day who is the loudest craziest teacher I know of....BUT it is my very own room!!! So that made me happy.

I also talked with Jan a little about adopting, TTC, and finally about this crazy situation. I told her that I know this isn't my baby (I lied....hahaha I really can't help thinking about him...but he probably isn't...right?...) and that this isn't the right time and that I am not ready and Jan in her wisdom tells me, "Lots of people have babies when they aren't ready. When God decides it's time, it happens.".

So yeah. Who knows?

When I finally got home this afternoon I had the worst headache and was so exhausted I slept until 6 pm. I should be working on my papers...I don't know if I can finish them to be honest...but I am so distracted right now.

It makes me wonder if I am going to be cut out for TTC or adoption....how will I ever handle going through this over and over again as I am sure I will have to before MY baby actually finds me.....

But hey, I have a room.

Monday, August 16, 2004

Cruel hopes...

OK. So I have firmly decided that I am working hard on my weight and then whatever I weigh in spring/summer, who cares as long as it is less than now, and I am starting. That is my plan.

Or it was.

Or it is.


Here's a cruel joke for you....let's say that "K" wants to have a baby...Originally when she is young she believes that by 21 she will be married and by 30 she will have had at least 3 kids and be a happily married stay at home mom.

Yeah right.

Now, "K" is nearing 30, single, and that damn clock is ticking so loud she thinks she has really fallen off her rocker. So, she decides she is going to adopt. She buys every book known to man about adoption and contacts agencies across the country trying to find the right fit (one that will accept singles and is within her means). Then one day, she thinks, hey, I can try to get pregnant first. So she buys every book known to man on infertility, artificial insemination, pregnancy, single motherhood. She makes plans to begin as soon as she financially (and emotionally) can.

Meanwhile, somewhere out there is some barely known relative of hers, young, and having her third baby. She decides she can't take being a mother of 3 at 18 (K isn't too sure of her age...it's around there). She leaves newest little baby boy at 8 weeks old with her grandma. Grandma is 70 and not sure she can take care of a little baby and talks to her sister. Her sister is so distraught over the whole situation and tells her niece or whatever relation "P" is. "P" mulls this over and decides, yes, let's do the worst possible thing we can do...let's get "K"s hopes up...let's tell her the story about this little baby....and she calls "K" and asks her if she would be interested.....

What happens to "K"? I am sure you are wondering.....last I saw her, K was trying not to think about baby while curiously cleaning her house like there is no tomorrow and forgetting about the 4 papers she has due this week.

I feel bad for "K". I know that her little heart can't help but hope..and yet, she isn't ready. She has two more quarters of school to finish, her job restarts in two weeks, baby's room hasn't even been opened in a month....and yet...I know she is hoping and praying that little baby N might find his way to her home.....

Friday, August 13, 2004

Another Friday night here in dullsville

Friday nights suck.

Technically, I have a ton of school work that I should be working on, but I just can't motivate myself to do any of it. I have nothing undone that needs to be done by midnight tonight, so hey..there is always tomorrow right?

If I am not going to work on school work, than I should work on cleaning my house or unpacking right? You would think so.

Instead, you know what I have done since dinner? Not one thing. I sat on my deck for about an hour, I walked to the kitchen, looked at the dishes in the sink and said, "I should unload the dishwasher and wash these dishes." Then I walked away. I have paced in the house for a good 20 minutes...I have considered mowing the lawn at dusk...I have considered calling Liz but I never catch her at home on Fridays (she actually has a life)....

Someone help me find a life....fast.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004


Will be the death of me.

Why won't my stupid cats write my papers for me? I just ask for this one little thing...but NOOOOO they just sit there and stare at me and plop down on my feet at the computer all contented like....it's not fair.

Monday, August 09, 2004

My reasons to lose weight...

OK, so I was thinking about this earlier today, and then it came up on the WW boards, and I thought I would write down my reasons for wanting to lose weight somewhere where I can review it every now and then.

1. To increase my chances of getting pregnant.
2. To hopefully have a less high risk pregnancy. (please let me be able to get pregnant!!!)
3. To be able to run and play with my little one once he/she gets here. (whether by birth or adoption)
4. To not be scared of a flight of stairs and try desperately to try to find another route all the time.
5. To be able to keep up with my friends.
6. To not worry about stuffing my big butt into a little tiny lawn chair and be able to enjoy outdoor concerts.
7. To stop trying to "forget" to put my seatbelt on in other people's cars for fear of it not fitting.
8. To fit down the rows of my students and for them not to shuffle their desks everytime I come.
9. To be comfortable (relatively, there is still the issue of leg room) in an airplane.
10. To travel comfortably, be able to sightsee.
11. To go swimming. I LOVE swimming, but don't want to wear a swimsuit!
12. To ride a bike. I think I would really like to ride a bike again...but I don't remember how! hahaha (OK, so that really isn't too related to weight...but at the moment I am embarrased to buy a bike and then re-learning to balance myself on it...)

I am sure there are many more...but that is all I can think of at the moment. Of course there are other things that SHOULD matter to me, but are not nearly as motivating for me (lower blood pressure, better health etc...)