Location: Washington, United States

I began my TTC journey in January 2005. It finally worked with the 5th IUI and along came Eliana! I started trying for a second (T42) a little over a year later, and was thrilled to get pregnant on the second try this time. Jacob soon joined our family! Not sure if I am done at two, but come along for my journey in motherhood. If you stop by, please leave me a short note! I like to know when I have visitors. :)

Tuesday, August 17, 2004


(if you haven't figured it out already....I was "K" in my little tale below.

Of course, I couldn't sleep last night. I started a journal for my child back in April. I wrote in it for the first time right after my mom had left as I was so excited that she was accepting of adopting and I felt like this is really going to happen. I didn't really write in it again until last night. I tried not to think of the "what ifs", but it really wasn't working. I do not think I have ever in my life had the incredible urge to clean my house....that was weird. It was kind of like what I hear about pregnant women just before they go into labour. I believe it is called "nesting". I remember the night before Alda went into labour she was cleaning until 3 am..craziness...

Anyway, (can you tell how I can't focus right now??), so I got out the journal (entitled Dreams on it...kind of like I dream of Genii except it is more like I dream of Baby). I basically just updated baby with the course of my thoughts about how he/she was going to come around and how I had decided to try to conceive before moving onto adoption. I made it clear (at least I hope I did), that no matter how he/she came I would love them and that the pregnancy part was really more for my own selfish reason of wanting to experience pregnancy. Anyway, as I was writing, I finally gave in and wrote the story about Alexis (the young relative in the story below) and how I couldn't help thinking......"is that you?"

I mean do I know....maybe that is my baby that I am looking for....

So, I couldn't sleep and I may have finally drifted off around 2:30 and then it was magically 5 am and I had to get up to get ready to head to my final Introduction to Grad Research class. I had the worst time dragging myself out of bed. On my way to class, and during class, I just kept that my baby??

Then I headed to school, which was really what this post was supposed to be about. haha. So I headed into the high school today and picked up the keys to my.....MY OWN....Classrooom! YIPPEE!!! No more carts, no more nasty anal sharing is my very own room. Now, it is not the nicest room in the world. The teacher who had previously been in there for two years reports that air quality is poor and perhaps there are mould issues....which really kinda freaked me out about TTC and being in that room. And there is this huge space thing on the wall...I don't know what it isn't painted on, but it isn't a real poster, it's almost like wall paper maybe? I don't know. And the room is tiny, and there are no outside windows, and it is next to Dr. Day who is the loudest craziest teacher I know of....BUT it is my very own room!!! So that made me happy.

I also talked with Jan a little about adopting, TTC, and finally about this crazy situation. I told her that I know this isn't my baby (I lied....hahaha I really can't help thinking about him...but he probably isn't...right?...) and that this isn't the right time and that I am not ready and Jan in her wisdom tells me, "Lots of people have babies when they aren't ready. When God decides it's time, it happens.".

So yeah. Who knows?

When I finally got home this afternoon I had the worst headache and was so exhausted I slept until 6 pm. I should be working on my papers...I don't know if I can finish them to be honest...but I am so distracted right now.

It makes me wonder if I am going to be cut out for TTC or will I ever handle going through this over and over again as I am sure I will have to before MY baby actually finds me.....

But hey, I have a room.


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