Sad...
I know I have talked about it before, so forgive me for repeating myself, but it sucks to not have any friends here.
When I changed churches in April I think it was, I had such high hopes that I would make friends. I still find this church friendlier than the other, but I have yet to make any friends who sit with me at church, or call me on the phone or whatever. Today I am doubly sad because it appears that our little singles small group is shutting down. The last couple of times there was just me and two or three other people (usually the host and his girlfriend and maybe one other girl), and then tonight we were supposed to meet, but when I emailed the guy whose house it was at, he said he is no longer having group at his house. I suspect that is the end of that. Now I feel like I have no hope for making friends here again...
When I changed churches in April I think it was, I had such high hopes that I would make friends. I still find this church friendlier than the other, but I have yet to make any friends who sit with me at church, or call me on the phone or whatever. Today I am doubly sad because it appears that our little singles small group is shutting down. The last couple of times there was just me and two or three other people (usually the host and his girlfriend and maybe one other girl), and then tonight we were supposed to meet, but when I emailed the guy whose house it was at, he said he is no longer having group at his house. I suspect that is the end of that. Now I feel like I have no hope for making friends here again...
posted by Katrina | 6/26/2005 04:33:00 PM
13 Comments:
Have you thought about joining other activities - such as community theater? That is always a great place to meet new people.
I'm not really one to talk, since I'm in a similar position. I'm living in the city where I grew up, yet nearly all my close friends have moved away.
But I do second the above comment...maybe some other activity or group that's not centered around the church might be the way to go right now.
Are there any teachers at your school that you'd enjoy spending time with outside of work? Or maybe a group that gets together to do some kind of craft?
One thing I did, and I've yet to really see any dividends...but I guess it's a case of getting back what you put in...I signed up for some groups on meetup.com. I'm in a Spanish speaking group, a political group, and a running group. All 3 meet once a month, sometimes with extra meetings. It's been a nice way to meet some new faces that are local and interested in the same things.
Just some thoughts...
You seem very sad and depressed and appear to be trying to have a child out of your need for dependency...someone to depend on you and make you feel loved, and someone that you can give love to to feel satisfied....ALL the wrong reasons. You seem lonely. You seem needy. I'm not saying this to be cruel, but rather, as an observation. We all want to be loved, we all want to be cared for. However, how we go about that is determining the fine line between healthy and unhealthy emotional needs. You might want to look deep into yourself and think about your life. Having a child is not the key to becoming happy. Maybe you can't make any friends because you are projecting this sad feeling toward others (nobody wants to become friends with a "downer"). Sorry to say this, but you might want to get counselling before you proceed. I question your doctor's ethics, and whether or not they just truly want your money, as opposed to, is this a healthy thing for you in your life.
And yes....I have met you.
Don't let the previous comment upset you. They don't know you inside out-I can't stand people who judge others. Only God can judge. If you want a child, go for it.
And about the friends thing-I too have trouble meeting new people, I'm a teacher and my coworkers are mostly old and married. I meet with a book club at Barnes and Noble, and volunteer at my vets office-that's enough for me. I have always liked solitude though. We're (most of us!) always here for you-also do you have a pet? they can help you feel less lonely:)
Kim
I'm the one who left the comment about community theater, not the person who left the second anoynmous comment. I have been reading your blog for a while and I really enjoy it. I, too, was single when I was in my early thirties and I was starting to believe that I would never get married and have children and I always wanted to have a family. Then, at age 35, I met someone and we were married a year later and now we have a toddler. So, please don't give up hope of finding the right person to have your family with. I have many, many friends who got married in their thirties. One friend met her husband on Match.com and they just got married over Memorial Day after just a year of dating. She, too, was shy. I think it would probably be a lot easier to have a baby with someone to share it with, all the fun, the responsibility, everything. I think you mentioned that you are only age 30. You have plenty of time to become a mother!
More unsolicited advice from the first anoynmous here. :).
I think it is always hard to make new friends in a new community. I have found that it takes 6 months -2 years to make friends and feel comfortable in a new environment.
The reason I suggested community theater is that it's very inclusive, has lots of interesting, eccentric folks, and lots of socializing opportunities and opportunities to work together. And wrap parties. I haven't done Community Theater, but my husband did in Renton. We live in Alaska now.
Up here, there is great 50 year old organization called the Alaska Mountaineering and Hiking Assoc. and they have a monthly meeting and numerous hikes and camping trips throughout the year. Lots and lots of friendships have been formed in this club. You really get to know others while on a three day hike or winter camping trip and you get to see the wilderness. Some hikes are strenuous but some are not at all.
I met one good friend once in step aerobics class. We both would always find spots in the back and laugh because we both were chubby and weren't so coordinated and we were both new in town.
I have found that you should do the soliciting, too. You can't wait for someone to ask you to do something. You have to be the one to suggest meeting for coffee or a movie. Even though you may get rejected, a lot of times you will find that the other person is lonely and looking for a friend, too.
Also, what about joining Big Brothers/Big Sisters? This way, you could have a close, mentoring relationship with a child and also interact with other Bigs - who are usually younger professionals and caring types, too.
I have also met good friends in grad school, through my siblings and through other friends, and especially through work.
I do sort of agree with the other anoynmous writer - that it seems like you want your own child to fulfill some unmet need in your life. She is right that you should work on yourself and get happier before you have a child.
One of my friends gave me some advice when I was single and yearning to settle down - she said enjoy your single years and the freedom and all the opportunities that you have at that point in your life - because once you do get married and have children, you can't do all of this stuff anymore.
Enjoy your life and your youth. Travel. Participate in hobbies you like. Read. Enjoy yourself. Get in great shape. Soon enough you will meet someone and have a family.
I also think there is a good reason that God or nature set up our lives so that it takes a man and a woman together to have a child. It is important emotionally to first fall in adult love and have a caring, trusting relationship with another adult, before you procreate. It just sort of makes sense. This relationship is the foundation of a family. You have to become an adult and have a healthy, caring, adult relationship before you can have a parent-child relationship. I don't mean to sound all preachy and I'm not a psychologist, but I think you would be missing an important human life step if you jump right to parenthood without first having the experience of a healthy, one on one adult love relationship.
Good Luck. I hope you have a happy, fulfilled life.
Wow! A lot has been going on as I sit all day in classes! LOL
The idea of community theatre really threw me for a loop...not because I think it's crazy, but because as a teenager, I was very much involved in theatre. You are right, that is a great way to meet people. And, perhaps I can consider it now that I have finished grad school. :)
A Spanish speaking group is another excellent idea that I should pursue. :)
Anon #2 who knows me, I appreciate your concern. However, being sad once in a while because you don't have any close friends where you live, I believe, is a natural human reaction. I can be lonely and needy at times, yes, but, I absolutely would not say that I am depressed.
Kim - it is hard to meet people as a teacher, isn't it? I guess because 95% of our work time is done solo...Yes, I do have two cats. I love them dearly. :)
Anon #1 (and 3 and 4:), you have left quite a few great suggestions that I will have to consider. I also love the inspirational stories of people who have met in their 30s and beyond. There are many women in the SMC groups (single mothers by choice) who are in their 40s and just now trying to conceive because they waited for Mr. Right for so long...I really don't want to wait and find that I never meet him, and due to my age and my known fertility issues, am not able to conceive. I am ready to be a mom, but I would LOVE to have the "whole package". LOL. It's tricky...:)
Anon #2 here again...the one who wrote about getting counselling first and questioning the motives of your doctor. Thanks to everyone with the + repsonses and also those with - repsonses. I know Katrina, and I know what a warm sweet person she can be...and totally outgoing and capable of making friends if she really tries. However, I also know that over the years she has used crutches...smoking, the whole weight thing...she was never one to sit down and scarf everything down, just unhealthy food choices. I would love to see Katrina improve her self to the best that she can be...she's already quit smoking...now work on becoming a healthy person both physically and mentally. One big concern I have for her is that she's going to have this child or adopt and child, and then for health reasons not be around to bring this child up into adult hood. Kitty Kat...I just want you to have all your shit together and line those ducks up in a row. I know your past, and time to make it all right in your world before you bring someone else in to it :)
Sunshine, smiles, excercise, laughter, more smiles and nothing wrong with counselling....anyone who says they don't need it is obviously to meek to better themselves. Counselling isn't about years in therapy...maybe just a session or two, and discover areas you've got down, and areas you need to work on.
Anon #2 (and 8). I read your post this morning and thought about it all day. Not in the way you hoped, however. What I can't understand, is if you know me, and you are so concerned about me, why are you "anonymous"?
I have nothing against counselling. I have seen counsellors at various points in my life.
I just do not agree with you that waiting right now is best. I would worry if I waited ten years, "improving" myself (if you truly know me, you should know that I have never enjoyed being overweight and have tried throughout my life to change that...it isn't as simple as you make it sound and/or continuing to search for the elusive Mr. Right) to have/adopt a child that I would regret the time lost, and yes, possibly have health problems when they are in their 20s or 30s...Once again, if you know me, you should know that my family has many health problems, does that mean that I am not deemed worthy enough to have children??
I think, as I said at the beginning of this comment, that I take most offense at you professing to know me but refusing to identify yourself. I can think of only one person who still calls me Kat, but I can't imagine that person swearing, so I honestly don't know who you are.
Anon #2 (read on)...I do know you Katrina. Maybe not for the past few years, but from what I've read...you haven't changed much. You should learn to read between the lines and take a compliment where one is handed out. Yes, I know you've struggled with your weight, and that is because you have never taken a positive approach to it. Rather, you have done fad diets and programs, and looked for a quick fix, all the while maintaining an unhealthy lifestyle, expecting to maintain the weight loss.
Yes, I really do think you are a great person...you really just need to show it. I always thought that, even though I found you to be one of the most negative pessamistic people I've ever encountered (record a conversation one time and listen to it a week later, you'll see what I mean). And now, looking to have a child to fulfill some need for love, which you never found going from guy to guy that you've met via the internet, thinking that sex was love. Ugh, the losers you used to ramble on about (and I thought my life was at a low back then).
Yet, I still remain optimistic for you, because somewhere in the back of my mind, I do think that you can be a great person, who is somewhat capable of being kind hearted.
Being healthy mentally and physically has nothing to do with losing weight, as once you are healthy mentally and physically (which has little to do with weight), everything else will fall into place, and good people will come into your life...naturally, not through someone mixing up a baby for you in a lab.
You blog about your friends not visiting...maybe you should consider why they don't...seems odd that your friends would appear to abandon you and leave you feeling sad and lonely, yet you don't take an introspective look at why. It's like people always bitching how other people treat them bad, and try and come off as the victim, when really...maybe it's you. I'm constantly amazed at how so many people in this world always think it's the other person who's wrong or bad, and think they themselves are always right and perfect, and then sit around wondering why they have no one in their life.
And note to "Kim"...learn to read...it wasn't the least judgemental. I bet your one of those ladies who thinks she's a Christian just because she goes to church once a week.
Take care Kitty Kat. I only checked out your blog in the first place because I couldn't believe you would actually have the indignity to air such personal trash out into the world...yeah...the world really doesn't need to read about your fertility problems and how you get semen put into your body in a sterile office. Blech!
Zachary
Yes, I am coming a little late to this party. Partly because I have been really busy and partly because I was so angry when I read Anon #2's posts that I needed to take some time to cool off before responding.
Anon #2 - Thanks for your thoughts...now GO AWAY!! I don't see how you think what you have said could be considered anything but judgmental and cruel. Since you brought religion into it, did God appoint you the judge of what is the appropriate weight for people? On what is healthy and unhealthy emotionally, physically?
On what and how a person should pursue a family. My suggestion would be for you to focus on yourself and what needs to be "fixed" there before you start throwing stones. Yeah, I know, personality types like you think you are perfect. It is only everyone else that needs to be fixed, to be more like you, of course, since you are so perfect. Let me tell you, the world needs less people like you, not more. So, go take your righteous, self-serving judgmental attitude someplace else. Go fix someone else who has asked for your help. Anon #2, this was the calm post after I had a day or two to cool off. I'm sure that you won't get the message or hear what I have to say, because you seem to have such narrow views and a high opinion of yourself that you will not be able to even consider why someone would be angry at your comments or heaven forbid thing you are wrong after all you are just telling the truth. Just remember, that truth is your own opinion and your own views that have nothing to do with the reality of the situation.
My anger isn't just for Katrina, it is for everyone who ever has had to listen to "the speech" about weight, the choice to ttc, etc. I am responding on behalf of myself, not Katrina. I had the pleasure of getting the 2 hour face to face version of your speech from my sister before I started ttc. I should lose weight. I should spend the time/energy finding a "man". I am just trying to have a child to fulfill myself for all of the wrong reasons, etc. etc. and on an on. She like you felt she had to say these things for my own good. Someone had to tell me after all and because she loved me and cared for me, she felt obligated. It’s interesting. She has made many life choices that are different than my own. She had kids young and unmarried. She struggled as they grew up because she did not go to college and did not have as good of skills and resources that I have. She, like you, is so sure the way she has lived her life, was the “right” way that anyone else’s choices must be wrong. I ask, What is the right reason to have a child? And who are you or she to judge what that is.
Let's go with weight issue. I am so sick and tired of people first off assuming that people are not happy with their weight or making assumptions that a fat person has "issues" because they are overweight. And/or, they could just loose weight if they tried harder or if they really wanted to. Yes, society (and people like my sister and anon#2) make it harder for us to accept ourselves because we keep getting told we shouldn't be and that this is something wrong with us. Yeah, Yeah, don't try to give me the whole medical argument about how unhealthy it is. Do your research. Through the ages it has been proven as a survival of the fittest, those who were overweight were considered wealthy, elite, and were the only ones to survive the famines and hard times. Katrina and I and a majority of the other overweight people just have the better gene pool. This is the only age in society where being "thin" is a good thing according to society. Society is wrong. Often, being overweight is not a choice or a sign of weakness or (insert your negative view here), it is a matter of heredity and genes. Back off. I’m glad you’re a skinny perfect weight. Some of us are more beautiful than that both inside and out with more caring, honor, and integrity in us than you could ever hope to have.
On being sad and depressed, this ttc shit is HARD. Anon #2 HAD to be a guy. Yes, it is stereotypical, but how like a guy to try to "fix" it when someone was just saying how they were feeling, not asking to be fixed. Secondly, you will never know what an emotional rollercoaster, even if you are female, if you haven't gone through the process. Despite what Anon #2 and my sister may think, I am a very self confident, happy, well adjusted person. And, there were times during the ttc process that I seriously did think about counseling. The longer you try, the harder it gets, and the lower the lows get. Being sad and depressed (on occasion) is more apart of the process and dealing with the disappointment and the fear that it may not work, than emotional instability. It is normal. Personally, I would be more worried about someone who goes through this process and is at the place where Katrina is at if they didn't get sad and down. The extra hormones alone are enough to cause a mood swing or two. Go read the fertility boards, this is true of almost ANY women (both married and single) who go through this.
On the friendship thing, as you get older, you have fewer interactions and it is harder to make friends, let alone acquaintances. I have moved about 5 times for my job since I graduated college. I have a great job which I like and I am very good at. My observation is that it is much easier for a family to move because they take their immediate support system with them. When a single person, especially, a single woman moves, it is hard. You have to start all over and build a new support system. You can rely on your old support system remotely via the phone, the computer, etc. and most of the time that is enough. Sometimes it isn't. Katrina, realize that you feelings are okay and valid. Recognize that on top of the fertility stuff, you have undergone a lot of change in the last few weeks from your busy school year to a slower paced summer. I have lived where I have for 9.5 years now. It has taken me a long time to build a good circle of friends here. Most of them I have met, interestingly enough, through my dogs. While I interact with a lot of people in my job, it is all through the computer/phone. I have no face to face interaction. More recently, I have met several good freinds through having joined the SMC group locally. The whole discussion makes me think about the whole introvert vs. extrovert personality. My sister (and I would bet anon #2) are extraverted personalities. They must be around people and get their energy from that. Introverted people are just made differently (not better or worse, just different). It's funny, often people think that I am extroverted, but I'm not. I know me and I am introverted who can act like an extrovert for a time, but need my own time space. I get my energy from being with myself. Introverts don't NEED friends the way extroverts do. Extroverts can't typically understand this. I may have to move for work sometime in the next year or two. If I do, this will be really hard for me. I will have to start all over and build a new support system. But, this time it will be a bit easier emotionally because I will have my daughter with me. I will have more interactions because of her as I find her daycare. It will be easier. Katrina - Don’t let those extroverts make you feel down. They may know and interact with a lot of people, but are they really friends. Not most of them? They are their crutch so they can feel good about themselves. Personally, I think it is better to have a few really good friends than to have a lot of people around me that are superficial.
Sorry for the long rambling post. The thing is that it really is all a matter of personality. Some people's personality causes them to think they know everything, they know what is right and if you just do as they say, you too can be right. Being like them is the only way to be, why can't the rest of us just see that and get in line. It is not that easy. Everyone is different. We should be recognizing and appreciating the diversity instead of trying to conform to a "norm" that was set by those people who are so sure they are always right. We ALL have weakness and flaws. We ALL have things we could improve in ourselves. This does not make us insecure or unstable or trying to have a child for the wrong reason, it makes us perceptive and well adjusted. Some of us think it is only the other people who should change. They are never the problem or never wrong. When I am not being angry about how insensitive and arrogant these people can be, I am feeling sorry for them. They have such a narrow view that they can't see all of the beauty in people I see.
Katrina - You are truly a beautiful person! Like all of us, you will struggle from time to time. This doesn't lessen your beauty and humor and intelligence and all of the things that make you, you. Remember, there is no one else in the whole world like you. It would be a shame to feel bad about yourself because of someone else’s misguided views on you. It is hard sometimes, especially when you are being kicked when you are down, but you, in your heart know what is best for you. Listen to that, your own heart and your own instinct on what is right for you. No one else can ever do that for you.
Okay, I'm off my soap box now. Carry on....Debbie
Let me just say....I am a therapist in the mental health field and Zachary's comments truly make me sick!!!! Katrina, the last thing you need is to even be READING postings from this man, who clearly has his own issues. Zachary, I agree with the previous post....go away!!!! You are not going to do anyone any good!!!!! I'd also take your own advice - seek some of your own counseling!!!!
Kenzi
katrina,
i've never read your blog at all until just now today, and even without having read any other portion of it i KNOW you didn't deserve that awful post by zachary. what a loser. he clearly has some major issues. i'd be considering a restraining order if he lives near you.
congrats on your bfp and best of luck going forward.
lisa
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