Location: Washington, United States

I began my TTC journey in January 2005. It finally worked with the 5th IUI and along came Eliana! I started trying for a second (T42) a little over a year later, and was thrilled to get pregnant on the second try this time. Jacob soon joined our family! Not sure if I am done at two, but come along for my journey in motherhood. If you stop by, please leave me a short note! I like to know when I have visitors. :)

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Tears for yesteryears

I am a pack rat.

There. I said it. LOL.

So, since this is the beginning of spring break for me, I have a nice long list of things to do. Just about everything has to do with cleaning/unpacking. The majority of things that are "unpacked" are boxes of things that I lug around with me everywhere I go. Every item in these boxes, brings back a flood of memories.

Today, I have been trying to work on cleaning out the nursery (ie: getting rid of the boxes and boxes such as those described above). Just now, I went back in the room, and tried to attack a box of "files" and memorabilia. The first thing I picked up was an agenda book/planner. I have saved all of my planners since I started weird is that.

In any case, this particular planner was from 1997/1998 (almost all of my planners are on a school calendar). This was a huge year for me. I was trying to figure out what to do about H who left Montreal just as I moved to Montreal, I met HC who I ended up dating for quite a while (the ex-bf mentioned in a few other posts), and I went to Africa for 6 months (the beginning of the end for HC and I).

As I flipped through the pages, I remembered the excitement when HC and I moved beyond friendship. It brought a lump to my throat as I reflected upon how we continued to be close for so long until this past year or so...and how very much I miss his friendship. One day, perhaps I will tell our story, but this one still hurts too much.

I continued flipping through pages, and read "A called". A was my first boyfriend ever, the one I thought I would die without for at least a year after our short relationship ended. I also miss his friendship, as bizarre as our relationship was. We had remained friends until I moved to the states...and then we lost touch completely.

But the one that really brought me to tears with a pit in my stomach, was "H called" and "H's birthday". I met H through IRC (an old chatroom) at the same time that I met A (1994). But I never "met" H until about 2 years later. For some reason, about three months before I "met" him, we really started becoming closer and closer through emails and phone calls. He invited me to come visit him during Thanksgiving weekend at Queens university where he was doing his Master's degree. I was way too nervous to fly across the country and stay with someone I had never met, so instead, I told him he could come visit me. He did. We had such an amazing weekend. I will forever remember dinner that first night at Periklis, and then walking along the breakwater in the dark of night. Talking and making out, all night long. Hay rides through the pumpkin patch, too much wine over a thanksgiving feast prepared by the two of us for all of my friends. And then, the grey, rainy ferry ride to send him back home from the Vancouver airport.

We continued to write and talk daily and as I finished my B.A. and was trying to decide what I should do, I decided, let me move to Montreal and see where this goes(by this time he had finished his degree and moved back home to Montreal). Just as it was becoming time to move, he got a job in Ontario, and he left a week or so before I arrived. But, he did find me an apartment beforehand, and even signed my lease for me. From May-September-ish, I went to visit him a few times, we talked and wrote, and slowly, somehow, we sort of died down. I thought about H a lot up until HC and I really got together, and slowly we moved apart.

I began to see H only once or twice a year (even after he moved back to Montreal). The last time I saw him was at a Christmas party at my apartment back in Montreal in December 1999. HC and I had broken up, and H came to my Christmas party. I felt like there was still some connection there, but I didn't act upon it. In the months ahead, I thought, I need to see H before I move (I was moving back across the country in July). In June, I thought, I am going to call H. I didn't, and then on July 1st, I got the fateful email. H had been killed in a car accident. I was devastated. Why hadn't I called him? Why did I keep putting it off for so long? Who could I turn to for comfort? To his credit, HC, generally the jealous type and always (it seemed) jealous of H, came to comfort me and even drove with me to the funeral home to say my good byes.

Anyway, all of this came flooding back to me as I opened that planner. I know that these memories will always be with me, with or without the planners, so why do I keep them? Do I really want to get this sad when I open up these boxes of memories? And most importantly, why, if I have had these men that I have loved so dearly in my life, why am I still alone?

ETA: I was so upset thinking about Habib, that I googled his name (as I always seem to do when I think about him). I don't know why I do that, I guess to make certain noone has forgotten him. I found a disturbing article in a French newspaper about his death. I had never seen it before. I also found that his parents have set up a scholarship in his name at McGill (where he did his Bachelor's degree)

Edited again to add: Will it never end? I finally, 3 hours later, got the courage to go back into the room. I decided I couldn't handle that box, so opened another, and what do I find? A binder full of printed out emails from H and A (as well as all my friends back in Victoria at the time) from that summer when I was living in Ottawa. I stood there reading H's emails about life growing up in Lebanon as a Christian, his professions of love, his poems, his swearing to keep my address in confidence when I gave it to him to send me a birthday card...I couldn't handle it. I dropped the book and ran out of there in tears, AGAIN. I am not sure I will ever be able to go back in that room...


Blogger Monica said...

Yet another thing we have in common! During my first year of teaching out in BC an ex-boyfriend of mine was hit by a large truch while walking on the highway late one night. I remember before I went to BC I really wanted to contact him again as we hadn't seen eachother for a few months because I had moved back home to take on a temporary part-time job. I just kept putting it off and never did contact him. I don't know what difference it would have made if I did but I do think its important to look back on memories like this because it reminds us of how precious life is and how we have to make sure we put it all out there because you just never know what tomorrow will bring. Living without regrets... great concept but very hard to do sometimes!

I have to also tell you that although I often thought about being single before I adopted Mikey that since I adopted him there just hasn't been time for it. Once in a while I get to thinking how it would be nice to work part time as it seems a lot to juggle and then I think about having someone else there but in reality I do feel that my life is full and complete and I'm thinking that a lot of times my desire to be in a relationship was probably more about being a mom then being a wife.

April 09, 2005 12:35 PM  
Blogger Katrina said...

Monica, I appreciate you sharing this with me. First off, I am sorry about your ex-bf. It is really hard.

You are probably right. While I think I want to be married, what I most dreamed about was being a SAHM. It gives me comfort to know that once I become a mother, I will hopefully be too busy to think about being single...moments like these have been few and far between the past year, but today has really thrown me. I haven't been able to go back into the room yet for fear of another breakdown. LOL

April 09, 2005 1:06 PM  
Blogger JamDaddy said...

I always enjoyed the memories and clean feeling after an emotional break down. Hope you can go back in there, after all those were some really important times in your life.

April 09, 2005 11:23 PM  
Blogger Kenya said...

I agree with JamDaddy. even though it's hard (and I know it's hard) the cleansing and refreshed feeling you get after an emotional breakdown is second to none. It helps to clear your head and your heart. I hope you're feeling better today.

Also, I too wonder why I am still single after having great relationships. Then I remember that sometimes things fall apart. Everything happens for a reason and sometimes people have to move out of the way for better people to come along. Hope that makes sense. You're in my thoughts.

April 10, 2005 1:26 PM  
Anonymous Reprogirl said...

Hi Katrina,

Just wanted to say thanks for posting over at my place. Your post is very moving. I am not a pack rat, not really by inclination, but I have moved a lot (some moves over some long distances) and I don't have a family home to store things in, so by necessity I have shed a lot of things. I have always thought that is a great loss. Those memories and the objects that trigger them keep you connected to who you have been, and it's part of who you are.

April 10, 2005 7:50 PM  
Blogger Tin Foiled said...

Yeah -- when I moved to France, I put half my stuff in storage, and took the other half with me. Now I realize that I could have just thrown the stuff in storage out. Except that I never could.

Boxes of memories are precious.

April 11, 2005 1:59 AM  
Blogger Katrina said...

Reprogirl - well, I have moved across Canada more times than I care to count...LOL and then to the States. So, I don't buy the idea that you HAD to get rid of things as you were just much better at parting with those things than I!:)

Everyone - thank you for your support and kind words. They were very much needed and appreciated. I have parted with a lot of things yesterday, but I held onto a few important memory items. I will survive:)

April 12, 2005 8:51 AM  
Anonymous Tracy said...

Oh Honey Im sorry you had a bad day. What a way to start your Spring Break. I am just catching up with you now. You have been through a lot lately. I can't imagine you are going through. I have never had to deal with death at least not with someone I knew personally. Looking at memories can be hard but I think we come out better in the end. I hope most of the memories were good ones.

April 14, 2005 5:39 AM  
Blogger Katrina said...

Thanks, Tracy. Yes, indeed almost all of the memories were happy ones. What made me sad was that that time in my life was gone, I guess. Of course, that is just a normal course of life...

I am getting back to normal. I wouldn't say I am "happy" to be single, but I can live it again anyway. :)

April 14, 2005 9:01 AM  

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