From mini-meltdown...

to huge, sobbing uncontrollably meltdown.

I thought I was doing OK today. I got up late, didn't go to church, and played the Sims 2 for an hour. Went off to the SMC meeting where I got a lot of baby time (6 week old) and some nice conversations with fellow SMCs. Came home, watched some TV, called grandma, called my dad back, played the piano and sang until my throat was raw (things that usually raise my spirits), ventured into the nursery...There, I went through some old cards, and threw away most of them. Of course, I came across that last Christmas card from H, made me sad. But, I survived. I left the room and went back to playing piano and singing. Went to bed.

Seems like I recovered, right?

Then, I am lying in bed, my mind is racing, and I come to a realization: It's not about H. Sure, I am sad that he is gone, but he has been gone for five years?! It's about remembering times when I felt loved. When I had good friends I did things with on a regular basis. Friends I talked to and who actually listened to me. When I was a person who made plans with people, who went out, who had a life.

And I started sobbing.

And sobbing.

And I am not sure I am ever going to stop.