Old Wounds

It is 4 am and I can't sleep I am so disturbed by old wounds. At work yesterday we got an email that a coworker would not be at school the first week due to minor surgery and that flowers were being sent and there was a card in the office. Fairly normal protocol at our school. This happens for births, deaths, injuries, etc....Except when Jacob was born.

Who cares right? It was 3.5 months ago, get over it.

But it really hurt me. My son was born and was in the hospital for 17 days, and apart from immediate family (my mom and dad and my "aunt" and "uncle"), and my then babysitter/good friend, it seemed like noone cared. It was a terribly difficult time for me...

Even my church didn't seem to care. Sure, the pastor came twice while I was in the hospital, but not once did he or anyone from the church check on Jacob while I came home and he stayed there...

Old friends were notified, by my parents or through my blog, and many of them did not respond. Heck, there are a few friends who have still never sent as much as a "congratulations!" in an email. As I have said before, I am in desperate need of new friends.

Honestly, I am hurt, and I am not sure when this wound is going to heal..

A busy day

What a long day it has been and I am exhausted. I spent my last day of freedom before going back to work tomorrow at 6am cooking and freezing a bunch of meals. In the midst of all this, Jacob decided to roll over for the first time. Way to go, Jacob!

Off to bed...I so don't want to go to work tomorrow. :(

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6d6d0a41-6d40-11dd-85fd-001676bbb90bw
Originally uploaded by kajohn345

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6dc08173-6d40-11dd-85fd-001676bbb90bw
Originally uploaded by kajohn345

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6d8c03f2-6d40-11dd-85fd-001676bbb90bw
Originally uploaded by kajohn345

My little man.

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Originally uploaded by kajohn345

It's so hard to go back...

I so wish I could be a stay at home mom. It is so hard to go back to work. :( Today was my first day back. Not a "real" day in that I wasn't paid for work or anything so I didn't go in until 9, but it was still so hard to leave them. Eliana was very clingy when I got home and Jacob, though he had just woken up from a nice long nap the hour before, snuggled right in to nurse and went to sleep in minutes..

The hardest part is that once I am "really" at work, I won't even see them in the morning because they will still be sleeping. I know it is better for them to have someone come here and let them sleep until they wake up, but it is hard on me to not see them in the morning...

Sigh.

Miracles

Jacob went to bed last night at 8:30 pm. It is nearly 7:30am and I have not heard from him. I woke up at 6:30 and couldn't sleep anymore worried something was wrong, but as I started to walk towards his crib at 7, I could hear him sucking on his fingers...thank God for fingers! :)

I love having Jacob in my crib!

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Originally uploaded by kajohn345

Eliana loves her little brother to pieces. She was so excited that I let him lay in her crib a bit in the morning the other day. I just had to take a picture. :)

VBS

VBS
Originally uploaded by kajohn345

The kids getting ready to sing at church following vacation Bible school week. Eliana is at the bottom left.

Finally hired someone and other things...

Well, I hired someone who is willing to come to the house to watch the kids every morning. I am about 95% happy with her. I was very happy with her during her interview. After the interview, she offered to follow us to the mall to see how it was taking the kids out on an outing. It was then that I was no longer 100% happy with her as she texted who knows who quite a few times while we were at the mall...Hopefully she can keep the phone away except for nap times....But honestly, I had very few choices at this point. My only other option that day was a home day care we visited on Thursday where the TV was on all day and the kids were snacking on Fritos....

I am also trying hard to put myself in situations where I can meet people. I contacted a MOPS group that meets Friday evenings and hopefully will be able to join them. I also contacted the other church I go to (not the one we attend on a regular basis, but the other one that I attend their Singles group sometimes and that we have gone to for certain events...much larger church and Eliana LOVES the play area there as opposed to our little tiny church that doesn't offer any groups for me that arent in the daytime and Eliana is stuck in a very very tiny portable...). I am going to try and join one of their Young Families small groups. Both things don't start until September of course...I find it so annoying that everything stops when I am most available and most energetic (in the summer when I am not working full time!). Hopefully I can make some new friends...

Today, I took both kids to the sitters. Not our previous sitter who is moving as she is packing up, but our "backup" sitter. This backup sitter doesn't usually want Jacob as she doesn't want two babies and already looks after one, but he is gone this week so I took advantage of that. I have spent the last two hours trying to clean up Eliana's room to have it look good when the sitter starts next week. Hopefully with her help we can keep on top of it! I have also emailed the MOPS group and that other church. I heard back from the church and he is going to contact one of the small group leaders for me. I also called a different church about their Awana program to see if they will be having a 2 year old class this fall to enroll Eliana in. They aren't sure right now as it doesn't have a leader, so I need to call back first week of September to find out. I asked about helping out (not to be the leader but to help), but I am not allowed to since I don't attend that church...Oh well, i could use 2 hours I guess to spend with just Jacob. :)

Well, I should get back to work on the kids rooms, and other things off my long list for today. I rarely have this time kidfree and I am paying very much for it, so must take advantage of it!

Prayers needed

I know I have a fair amount of praying readers, so I wanted to ask for your prayers for Debbie over at Kool-Aid Mom Wannabe Baby N is having such a rough time and it is not looking good right now. What a rollercoaster ride D has been on, she needs a break and little N needs all the prayers she can get. Thanks.

Friends

This is the start of my 7th year here. And in 7 years, I have pretty much lost touch with most of my former friends. I tend to think not through my own doing..I tried to keep in touch through phone or email, but they have busy lives and when you can't get together "in real life", it seems sooner or later you become forgotten..

In those 7 years, I have wanted to meet new friends. I have tried many churches for what I considered an adequate amount of time (minimum 6 months), and yet I have not made one good church friend. I didn't have any friends here until I was pregnant with Eliana. I eventually met another single mom having a little boy and we became friends. We are still friends, but already now at 2, our kids are so different...he is "all boy" and Eliana is "all girl". And then when i went back to work, I found a babysitter for Eliana and while she started out as "just the babysitter", she became a very good friend. The best friend I have had since I don't know when...possibly ever. She was the kind of friend I try to be to people and the kind of friend I have always wanted to have...and that is it. My two friends. And one is leaving...

And now I am back to square one. How do I find another friend? Is it going to take me another 7 years? Why do I have such a hard time making friends?

Sigh...I'm having a rough night, and I think the possible nanny has fallen through and I am back to square one on the childcare front too...it's too much for me right now....

Cowgirl Eliana

Cowgirl Eliana
Originally uploaded by kajohn345

How cute can I be?

How cute can I be?
Originally uploaded by kajohn345

Stampede rides!

Stampede rides!
Originally uploaded by kajohn345

Grandpa and Eliana

Grandpa and Eliana
Originally uploaded by kajohn345

With grandma and grandpa

With grandma and grandpa
Originally uploaded by kajohn345

With great grandma

With great grandma
Originally uploaded by kajohn345

Our family

Our family
Originally uploaded by kajohn345

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jacob 072
Originally uploaded by kajohn345

Hugs

Hugs
Originally uploaded by kajohn345

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eliana 083
Originally uploaded by kajohn345

Questions about using a nanny

As I said earlier, we are just heartbroken to be losing our current babysitter as she is moving away. Her daughter was definitely Eliana's best friend and she was like a second mother to her. She was also my best friend and was so good to me while I was pregnant with Jacob and while he spent so long in the hospital...I am devastated to be losing them.

I have found a possible nanny for us, and am most likely going to hire her, but I have never had childcare full time at my house before, so I have some questions if there are any readers out there who have used a nanny:

What is the usual expectation regarding cleaning? Am I going to come home to toys strewn all over the place? When I asked her she said that she would clean up after the kids, do the dishes and their laundry. Does that sound about right? Does that actually get done?

What do you do with things like your checkbooks and stuff? Do I need to “hide” them more than normal?

What about food? I expect her to feed the kids, do I need to have food for her too? Should I be asking her what groceries she wants or will she just work with what I have?

Any other advice? We have a few more options…one of which sounds very good to me too..a SAHM, former nanny, to a 2 year old girl, same age as Eliana. However, I do like the idea of someone coming to the house so I don’t have to pack the kids up in the morning…

I also worry about Eliana not getting the social interaction she did previously since the sitter had a daughter her own age...should I be concerned about this? What should I do about it? Or will she be fine a year until she can go to a preschool for part of the day?

Heartbroken..

While away on vacation, we received the heartbreaking news that our beloved babysitter's husband got the job he applied for in Spokane and we will be losing them. I feel like both Eliana and I are losing our best friends...

When I told Eliana that they were moving, she said "I'm going to miss them. I'm going to cry."

Yeah, me too...