Name:
Location: Washington, United States

I began my TTC journey in January 2005. It finally worked with the 5th IUI and along came Eliana! I started trying for a second (T42) a little over a year later, and was thrilled to get pregnant on the second try this time. Jacob soon joined our family! Not sure if I am done at two, but come along for my journey in motherhood. If you stop by, please leave me a short note! I like to know when I have visitors. :)

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Why I blog...

I was thinking about it today. Why do I blog? I mean, when I was younger I kept a journal. I used to enjoy writing in my journal all the secrets of myself and my friends. "I think I like XYZ, he is so cute, but today he blah blah..." I even thought about how cool it would be to read my journal years later...

Until one day, my parents read my journal. It was a nightmare...trust was broken between my parents and I...both ways, never to be truly repaired. I still to this day, withhold so much from them, sometimes consciously, sometimes not. I am afraid to share everything with them about how I feel or what is really going in my life, or my plans...This is now 15 years later, and still, I have not been able to overcome the complete and utter loss of trust...I have yearned for the wonderful parent-child relationship that I see in so many of my friends relationships with their parents...

In light of this, I continue to find it odd that I feel so comfortable sharing my life with you dear reader here on my blog. I knowingly share with you the deepest longings of my soul...to have a child...and my greatest fears...of conception not working and then never being chosen by a birthmother...

Today, as I am procrastinating yet more papers, I started thinking about this again. It finally occured to me why it is that I blog. I blog because I need to share with someone. I have great friends around the globe, but none that live here where we could sip coffee and share our lives as we once did... The friends I have that live on this continent where I can call them easily have their own busy lives with children and husbands, things that I have dreamed of my entire life but have never found, and thus do not really have time for the deep soul connections that we once had. Friends who mean well, but are so busy in their lives these days, they don't really have time to stop and listen.

But that dear reader, is what you have become to me. I don't know really know who most of you are, I really don't even know why you choose to read my blog over and over, but I want you to know it is appreciated. And I thank you with all my heart for your support.

7 Comments:

Blogger Cinders said...

I don't know you and just came upon your blog while blog surfing at work (slow day!) and all I want to do is give you a tiny bit of encouragement.

I am a (by choice) single mother. Having my daughter was the most terrifying thing I ever did. But like you being a mother was the deepest, strongest desire of my heart. Having that parent / child bond is WONDERFUL. And if you are concerned about the riff you describe between your parents and yourself (the trust thing) don't be. You will be the parent you choose to be!!!

I love being a mom - have the best relationship with my now 16 year old girl - and she is the joy of my life.

If this is really what you want - do whatever it takes to get it. And if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to email me at allentownusa@hotmail.com

(P.S. - I was almost 31 when my daughter was born. Nothing significant there, except I was pretty mature, and really, really knew what I wanted!)

November 11, 2004 9:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like your blog because you're honest. You say what's on your mind.

My mom read my journal when I was young and I never kept a diary again. Not until the blog, which is all at once anonymous and available to anyone on the world wide web. Crazy. But it works and is addicting, and when I couldn't get in to blog-city for a couple of days I realized just how much I missed it.

Here's to journals, online friends and the hope that one day all my buddies will have babies.
Mandy (infertilityisfunny)

November 11, 2004 2:13 PM  
Blogger Miranda said...

I enjoy your blogs, I have the same type of relationship with my parents, dont tell them much of anything. About how I feel or what is really going on in my life. Blogs are a great release for everything from rambling to venting, to sharing fantasies. Keep on blogging.

November 11, 2004 2:53 PM  
Blogger Katrina said...

Mandy and Miranda, Thank you for your kind words. :)

Cinders, it is exciting to find another blogging SMC (single mother by choice). I had looked but had no luck.

November 11, 2004 6:33 PM  
Blogger carrie said...

Isn't it strange that we blog about some of the most personal things and don't mind that complete strangers are reading it, while some of the same subjects are off-limits when talking to close friends or family?

I enjoy reading your blog. I really admire your courage to want to become a single mother, and your perseverance through your fertility issues.

I'm sorry about what happened with your parents. I had a similar thing happen with my mom, but we used it as a chance to get some things in the open and actually became closer. I just kept my journal hidden better after that. :)

November 11, 2004 9:06 PM  
Blogger Tin Foiled said...

Hello -- plenty of things to say. I really enjoy reading your blog as well. There has certainly been a rush of posts this long weekend! I'm so happy for your first steps.

I blog for different reasons, just to say something goofy and have my friends react. At the same time, it's personal (because you wouldn't have any interest in reading it if you didn't know me) and impersonal (because I never really say anything deep).

I know how it feels to be far from your dearest friends, and it's a pleasure to be permitted to read your "journal". It would be much better to talk about it with a cup of coffee -- although with European coffee, we'd only have about thirty seconds.

I've been lucky here in France as far as friends go. They're different than Old Friends (mainly because we've never tried to poison each other), but it would be lonely without them.

I very much would like to call and have a coffee. Can we set that up one day? I'm hoping to have my phone reconnected (ARRGH) soon.

November 16, 2004 7:46 AM  
Blogger Libra said...

Hi K. I'm trying to get in touch with people who are interested in contacting single mums. I thought you might know of some other single mum related sites. If so, perhaps you could respond to this post and let me know. Many thanks

November 08, 2005 9:54 AM  

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